In My Dreams

While on vacation, I had the most beautiful dream.  I dreamt of seeing my marine, of his smile, or his scent.  I enjoy being around him so much.  Simply being in the same room, breathing the same error, fills me with joy.

When I awoke, I am reminded that my marine did not come with us.  I invited him earlier this year.  He was in Texas and now in Southeast Asia.  It is highly unlikely that I will see him soon or that my dream will come true and I would be by him.

During my vacation I perused posters from Social Anthropologists that show various beliefs and rationale for relationships.  When it all comes down to it, it is always about that.

As a result of my time away, to reflect, and enjoy, I have made a decision... my decision to release all these ' friends with benefits' relationships and pursue that ultimate calling to be united with one person.

I began to think that the reason I attracted myself to military men is because these men are difficult to connect with.  They lack the desire to have a deep emotional committed connection.  Something in them fears this and they repel when they feel themselves getting close.

Honestly, I dont know what it is, all I know is that I dont want it anymore.  I want to be close.  I want to be included.  Also I want someone who will be present in relationship.

Navy Seals Are Wierd

                                                                                                                                                                       I know, it is a generalized statement.  I know, it could be that the one I met is just wierd.  Ok, maybe not wierd, maybe different. Let me prephase this comment by making this statement.  I love military men.  I find them handsome, well kempt, solid, hot, and having all the internal qualities I like.  However, I dislike... very much... their distant.  Emotional and physical distance.  I like closeness and connectedness.  I talk or text my friends often, several times a week.  We see each other monthly.  For some random reason, when one of the men I am interested dont text me back within the week, well, frankly, it irritates me. #Iwantyoutowantme. Like the song goes.  

John, the seal has his moments.  What I like about him is that he is affectionate.  He likes to hug.  Yes #PDA.  Last time we spoke he said he'd call me during the week.  I agreed, although in my head I was thinking that I am buzy this week, preparing for my vacation in the Florida Keyes.  Well, guess what.  He didnt call.  Go figure.  

I called him to leave him a message.  I was on my lunch break and called, texted several of my friends to see if they were free.  None of them were.  I included John in my texts.  He responded later that night, via text " I told you I would call you....."   How rude!!!   Does he actually think that I will live my life following his orders.  I call or text when I want, as it is convenient to me.  If he cant handle that, too bad.  I do me.  Pretending and conforming is too hard. 

I still havent heard from him.  He claims that he has a buzy lifestyle and that he is still working through transitioning from being a seal captain into retirement.  That might very well be the case.  I can respect that.  Nonetheless, a girl needs attention and a text with a imogi takes but two seconds to send.  

                    

Im not speaking for all girls.  I am speaking for this girl. I contend with the fact that he is who is he is and he is where he wants to be.  We all are, in one way or another. 

 Today, while shopping for wine to  enjoy while I write.  I was speaking with a girlfriend about my dating life.  She asked about my marine.  ( sigh) My marine still has my heart.  He always will. I admitted to her that if my marine were to want a committed relationship, I would be all over that.  For now, he is overseas.  We have only communicated a handful of times this year, less than before.. so a relationship is highly unlikely. It is impossible, geographically and we are in different places.  The biggest hurdle, of course, is that he has not expressed an interest in having a long distance open relationship.  Open meaning that his friends and family know that he is in relationship.  If he were to commit to something like that, then everything else could be overcome, right?   Love covers all...

Peace... 

Conflict Resolution Finding an Exchange

Retirement is difficult to grasp for many.  Add retirement to a former Navy Seal and there is a bundle of challenges that need to be resolved.  This particular seal I reference here, lets call him John.  Did I call him John before?

So John is argumentative.  I think the challenge comes from the fact that he has not had many women in his world.  He spent long spans of time with his team, men, and the dynamics of those relationships are different. 

Well, now John has me.  I learned to be aware of my emotional side and to express my feeling.  Frankly, I enjoy this side of me.  John could tell you a different story.  However, I have known John for a few years now.  I see him once in a while.  Its just as if he were still serving and away for long periods of time.  As much as I enjoy people's company and want to see more of John, I am ok with the time away because when he is with me it takes its toll on me physically.  Yes, and emotionally since I am not used to man energy.

In our relationship, I concede and I am patient.  John is a handlful. His temperment, he is stubbord.  My role is not to toss him aside because I dont like it.  I took the approach with him long ago, to get to know him and to accept him the way he is. 

Recently, the topic came up of arguing... arguing over texts.  He said he didnt like that.  The argument stemmed when I was tired of his constant schedule changes and cancellations.  I was ovulating and had a tough week and wanted a hug and affection.  I told him to come see me.  He declined.  I let him have it over texting.  It wasnt mean spirited, I just told him " You are always too tired and you dont make time for me.  I want to see you."  I cant remember what else I told him, but if you ask him, his head swirls and face frowns.  I dont think he appreciates my disappointment.

Come to find, when we talked, I found out that he was in San Diego at the time and driving 2 hours to see me at 10 pm was not in his plans.  He was about to go to sleep.  I thought he was closer.  My bad.  I didnt realize this over texting.

He complained about my texting.  It really bothered him.  So after hearing him rant and rave, I smiled and pulled in close to him, giving him a soft kiss(es) on his face and said " OK, we have this problem, how do we move forward from here, what do you want me to do when I am upset with you"  He responded that I should hold it in and wait for when we talk.  If he is not available at the time, he will call me back and we can talk.   I accepted his terms.  He said, if you would be more patient with me, Ill come see you more often.  Hmmmmm.

OK, I agreed.  It sounded like a fair exchange.  I wanted to see whether this exchange is true.  I will text less, conversate more and wait for face to face time to tell me my deep feelings.   Lets see if John comes close.

 

Pillows and Pants

I dreamt I was shopping with my marine and we picked out some pillows an Levi's jeans.  I carried them in a large see through bag.   Then another man came along. He had great hair and he picked out top quality pillows and bedding.  I held the bedding in a bag in my right hand.  

we proceeded to shop in the store until he said he was tired and needed to leave to rest.  People mover 40 years old get tired easily.  He walked ahead of me.  I glanced at the bag in my right hand, then to the bag in my left.  I thought to myself that I enjoyed shopping for the items in my left hand more than I valued the things in my right.    I didn't care as much for high end stuff from a man who disregards me as much as I valued the experience of collaborating with a man who asked my opinion about what we purchased together.

The man then walked ahead as he was in a rush to leave.  I thought to run behind him, but stopped myself.  I decided to look at a few items in the store and risk him leaving without me than to run after his curtails. 

I awoke thinking this dream was about my marine.  I valued the kind of one on one conversations we had. I valued his approach to communicating.

I miss him, I always miss him.

Navy Seals are tougher than Marines

I must admit, I was wrong in assessing that John, the former seal was going to be an easier man to deal with relationally.  John, the seal (yes, John the flake) is good with his finances, seemed grounded (he talks about his daughter, family and long time friends who live in the area.  He seemed to have a great social life with friends doing fun activities outdoors like camping, fishing, star gazing, kayaking, etc. . . .  Compared to the marine who drinks alcohol almost daily, eats and has a few close friends.  He is not outdoorsy, although he does ride a motorcycle ( riddled with decals of scantily clad women).   He is horrible with money!!! He spends it easily and does not have savings. 

When I first met John, I shared with him that I like to have a lot of connection to my partner.  I like frequent communications, be it texts or phone calls and I like to see my partner often.   I shared with him that what kills me is that my marine is rarely home and he is often out of communication; whether by choice or design.

Of course, initially John promised to always communicate with me and see or talk often.  That was before we had sex.  Now that he has ‘ locked me in’ with that activity, I rarely see him.  Rarely for me is that I have probably seen him 3 times this year.  

The other day I called him to say hello.  ( PS: Don’t get me wrong. I don’t wait by the phone for anyone.  I go out, I date others and I have a busy life).  I know that he often stays up late, since he can’t sleep.  He said he is always on guard.   I called him  at about 1130 pm.  His response to my call was a text “I’m sleeping, what’s up?”  I responded “Can’t sleep, just wanted to talk”.  His texts back, “Are you insecure about something?”   Taken back by his comment I responded “ Only insecure people are up at 22:30?” to which he texts “ Ill call you later in the week”.  

Im not understanding where  this seal gets the idea that I am “ insecure” because I reach out to him to say hello.  Then, when I don’t reach out – he says I am ignoring him, or I don’t seem to care.  WTF?

Weird!!!

This past week I came across a survey that USC is performing for families and loved ones of former military folks.  There is a big push on teaching us how to deal with them and their issues upon returning from deployment or service.   Check out the site on: http://cir.usc.edu/the-los-angeles-veteran-survey if you want to learn more.

I don’t know that I would join a survey like this.  I suppose if either my marine or the seal would show me they have a genuine interest in having a relationship with me, I would.  However, as it stands now, they are both distant so I won’t pursue learning more about them (until they pursue learning more about me).  Either way, perhaps some of your readers would find the survey and resources helpful.

Ta Ta

Things That Offend Military Men

I have a friend who is dubbed John the Flake.  ( Real names are changed to protect the innocent- jejejeje).  John is known in my circle of friends as " John the Flake".  About a year back, during a time when my marine went into isolation, I befriended and dated John.  John is a retired Navy Seal Captain.  John had suffered a life threatening blow to his tummy which resulted in his forced resignation from service. 

With John, I decided to take our relationship at a slower, more certain pace. ( Compared to jumping into bed with my marine on our first day and thinking I was his girlfriend).  No, John was different.  He had similar qualities as my marine.  He is a hottie, sexy, good communicator.  However, different from my marine, John was good with his finances.  He was ready for a relationship ( so he said).  So, I decided to tell John I wouldnt sleep with him unless he was my boyfriend.  Following that comment, he agreed to be my boyfriend.  Then he flaked on me for new years by cancelling on the last minute and breaking up with me over texting.  Strange!!!!!   What is up with these Military Men!!!!

Therafter, I maintain a friendship with John.  He cancels quite a bit.  It had gotten to the point that I called him on it.  He pulls away when I challenge him.   He says the following things offend military men.  So I thought to add them here, lest any of you readers attempt to date one of these guys and not want to hurt their feelings.
"Dude"   -  Although in California, Orange County area we call guys by this name, military men find it offensive.  IDK.
" I Miss you" -- This is too clingy and needy.
"Ignore them" -- They feel dejected and disregarded  ( So how do you reconcile telling them you care and miss them being found too needy versus ignoring their texts for a day or so and being told you are self-centered and ignore them? IDK.
" Go fetch my purse from the house" - apparently you shouldn't order a staff sargeant around.  ( jejejeje)
" Surprise" -- No surprise birthday parties.  I have a friend who dated a marine with PTSD and she arranged for family and friends to jump out from behind the furniture and yell ' surprise! happy birthday!'  Her marine freeked out!!!!   I can understand why, but she was taken back by the experience.
" Old dog poo in the yard"  Yes, my marine is sensistive to smells so I have to clean up my dogs mess and perfume the yard before he comes over. ( Geeesh!)
" Nazi Personal Trainer".  Yes, I called my personal trainer an exercise Nazi and John flipped.  He said to never reference words like that around military men because of all the situations they have had to resolve worldwide as a result of tyrrany.

I honestly think this friend John is even more work to deal with than my marine.  John cancels so much, I dont take him serious anymore.  Then when I cancel on him, he gets butt hurt.

The worst part is that when I address Johns behavioral issues and tell him how they affect me.  He typically responds.  " Its a military thing".  Im tired of that lame excuse.  Last time he flaked I told him "dont hide behind military excuses. I am not military and he needs to consider the rules in my world if he wants to play in it".  ( He appologized and made up. jejejeje! Gotcha!)



Strange.  Strange military men. Why do I put up with them?    Well, I like to learn and I enjoy the challenge.  I figure, If I can handle one of these 'tough' men, then I can handle anyone. =)

Only In My Dreams Marine

Last night I dreampt a beautiful dream.

I dreampt I was at home awaiting to attend to a gathering, a barbeque of some sorts.  At the same time, I was called to attend to some work.  I dont recall exactly what the work was, however, I do recall that one of my guests was my marine. 
I heard a loud sound in the front yard.  The sound was that of a loud motorcycle.  I rushed to the window to catch a glimpse of my marine pulling into the yard on his motorcycle.  I rushed out of the doorway to greet him and to ask him to keep the throttle noise down so as not to offend my guests.  At the gathering were some family member, friends and my parents.  My dad was there and he glanced at the noice in the front yard and his bushy eyebrows frowned. 

I invited my marine into the yard and he was accompanied by a few friends.  I sat them at the table, then attended to my work.  I tried to rush through work so that I could spend time mingling with my family, friends and yes! my marine.  Unfortunately, by the time I finished work, my marine and his friends had finished their 6 pack of beer and eating.  They left.  I ran out to see him off and viewed his motorcycle riding off into the hills.  I thought for a moment, Im glad my family received him.  My mom likes him.  Then I thought, too bad I didnt have more beer so they could stay-- but then again, they can bring their own beer and enjoy coming out to see me and enjoying my company.

Then my eyes turned to the ceiling.  I lived in a large tent and an evil being had placed a cord with a hook into my ceiling.  The arrow at the end of the cord missed me and I grabbed it and pushed it back through the hole in my ceiling.  I looked out the window and thought, boy I wish my marine had stayed to protect me from the evil being who is trying to kill me through my roof.   My marine had left and I couldnt locate him by phone.  I thought, I was not worried.  If a being wants to kill me and overpowers me, so be it.  Why fight it, all I can do is do my best and if I die, oh well.

I then rested in the moment of bliss having enjoyed having my marine and his friends intermingle with my parents, family and friends.  I was happy.  Then I awoke.

Need I mention that my dad has been dead for years.  Its nice that I am reminded of him in my dreams.

Pleasant Dreams.

Something About That Marine

The other day, while in my therapy session, I began to share about my marine.  I have been working with a therapist for 3 visits now.  She is helping me release the "block" and "fear of closeness" that I have that hinders me from having a great relationship.  This fear of pain or pain avoidance that I hold deep inside of my emotions is to blame for my longing for my marine and for 'that thing' that draws me to him... yes, even though he pulls away.

What I have learned over time, in all that I read and all that I explore about myself, that I am much like my marine.  You see, people attract others who are as healthy as them.  Have you ever wondered, why is she with him? Why does he like her?  and we find, sometimes that one of 'them' tells these crazy outrageous stories about their partner.  We wonder, why does she put up with him? He is crazy?  Right? Have you ever asked yourself that question?.  The answer is found in this simple saying.  People attract others that are like them and people attract others who are as healthy as them. 

Simply put, those people who have an imbalance and need someone to take care of ( enablers/co-dependents) find someone to fill that need ( addicts and assholes).  In those cases, we think "opposites attract", but the truth is, they are the same.  They are both imbalanced. I have had my share of imbalanced relationships and I have worked hard the past 4 years to improve my emotional state, financial state, self- confidence, etc. etc.  

I was attracted to my marine because I didnt want to commit. I feared it.  Being with someone who is always gone and non committal satisfied my need.  I knew, deep down that persuing a non committal marine was safe.  He would not commit before I did and so, I would emerge the hero.  He would be the bad guy. 

Now, I am opening myself up for a healthy relationship.  Boy is it tough.  I have tried match.com and now I have returned to eharmony.  I am selective and anticipate the person I am with will be selective as well.  For me, my time is valuable so I dont want to spend it on someone who doesnt fit what I need.  A good strong relationship is something to grow into over time, so I need someone who will put in the time.

There I was, on the couch, talking to my therapist.  Today we talked about my excessive sugar eating and my bindges.  She then said that sometimes we look for comfort in food, for what we lack in our personal lives, be it love, affection, companionship.   I thought for a moment and suddenly I cried.  I told her, I don't know why I am crying, I suppose this needs to come out. 

Then, I shared a bit about my marine and what it was about him that I was attracted to.  I said " You know, I dated a man the other day and found him pleasant, however, there is nothing about him that draws me to him.  There is nothing about him that makes me think " I want that!".  I think it is important for me to have my partner ( my person) be someone who I admire.  I dont want someone I need to help.  I have had that before and I dont want it.  I want someone that I can see traits and behaviors in them and say, "I like that, I admire it, I want to be like that, someone who I can learn from"." 

My marine is a great communicator ( when he is with me... when he is away, he doesn't communicate).  He tells stories and speaks truth, from his heart.  He talks about his feelings and thoughts.  He is organized.  He always polished.  His grooming, nails, hair, etc. is impeccable.  He takes great care of his belongings.  His car is always clean.  His room is always tidy.   When he visits, he knows exactly where everything is.  He hangs his towel to dry after he uses it.  He doesnt leave it on the floor and he doesnt make a mess.  He washes his own plate.  He helps me cook and he is almost always polite and courteous.  He has never called me a rude name or said anything negative about me. He sits up straight and stands proud.   I love these things about him.  Being around him has helped me to be more organized and tidy.  I have learned to communicate better, to talk about my feelings and explain clearly.   I hope that my next person helps me grow as well.  I want to grow in closeness and learn how to have proper disagreements and when to stand down.  I want to learn how to deal positively with family members and to rely on someone, my person.

This marine, doesnt look like he is the one to do that.  He is always running off to some faraway place to work and he vacilates between closeness and isolation.  I'll keep trying.  At least now, I have a good foundation of what to look for, that 'something'.

LISTS

Today my girlfriend recommends to me to make a list.  I have made lists and plans before, for work, career, and life goals.  I had gone so far as to see a life coach.  He also recommended that I create a list.  He recommended for me to envision the life I want, complete, then to create a plan for me, to help complete the  items on the list and create the life I want, inclusive of a boyfriend.

I always make a life plan for year after year acheivements.  However, each time, when I get to the part of adding my boyfriend, I get stuck.  I think, this is silly.  I toggle between the idea of writing this boyfriend into my plan.  I am not certain whether if I create this ideal man, whether he would exist.  Worst, ihe exists, would he want me?
Most of the time, I dont include this ficticious boyfriend in my final plans.   Part of the reason I do this is because I know I can control me, and what I do; I cannot control someone else.
And so, here I am.  My marine, though out of the service, continues to engulf himself in work, so as to avoid a committed relationship.  I am, four yearsolder and wiser.  I started dating and find that dating as an adult is very different from dating as a your woman.
After attending to a few coffee dates and finding that the men wanted to kiss me and grope me too soon.  I am at a point that I am discouraged.  I dont want to date.  Although, at the same time, I dont want to close myself off.  I cant wait any longer for this marine to ground himself.  So, I date.  I continue  to date and offer my energy to the universe.  I put myself out there.
At the same time, I continue to enjoy the life I created.  A home, family, close friends, financial secureness, retirement planning.  I travel, I teach, I live.  I think, just for fun, I will create my list.
This future man, who will come to me, will be handsome, fit, take great care of himself, not give in to excessive drink or food.  He  will enjoy the outdoors and love to travel. He will want to spend time with friends, barbequing at home, sight seeing, or just sitting in the park or riing at the beach, holding my hand, spending time with me.  He will respect my faith and attend church with me from time to time.  He will be encouraging and listen to my day, listen to my heart, and he will enjoy spending time doing things with me.  He will beaccomplished.  He will have aheart for  service to others.  He will be patient with me. He will be ready for relationship, welcoming to come into my wonderful world and I will come into his.

That is my list. I am sticking to it.

Jn 

Uncertainty - When Will I See You Again?

One of the most challenging things to contend with when dating someone in the military is uncertainty.
In the time I devoted myself to my marine, there were plenty of foiled plans, spoiled dates, and unsatisfied anticipations of his arrival.   Most recently, my marine has taken a position as a site manager.  He contacted me before Easter holiday to tell me he might come home for the weekend and that he wanted to see me.  By this time, I had moved on and didn't give much thought to whether he would actually come.  That weekend I kept the plans I had in place to visit with friends and I wasnt at all surprised when he said he ended up working through the weekend.

I remembered some time back, when I had first engaged with assisting a support group for military spouses and veterans.  The group leader had dispelled stories of his experience of hardships with his 3 marriages while he served.  He shared with the group that it got to a point that his spouse was indifferent when he returned from duty.  The warm hugs and kissed that first welcomed him early on in the relationship, turned to a cold shoulder and a mumbled voice saying "Just leave your shoes on the porch".  One of the ladies in the group shared that during her husbands absence from the home, she became used to doing things independently.  As a result, when he returned and wanted to claim his position in the family and handle duties around the home, his requests would be met with her resistance to relinquish control of tasks she had always attended to.  This left her husband, the veteran, feeling useless.  So he soon would find another project or deployment to re-enlist so as to occupy his time and utilize his skills... to be useful.

At the time I heard these stories, years ago, I thought ' How insensitive, how could they?'  Now, having gone through the emotional roller coaster of excitement that  he's coming, only to find out that he is not, I too am indifferent and learned to live on my own and keep myself busy.   It makes no difference whether he comes and goes.   I suppose it is part of the territory.  He is doing what he loves, feeling useful  and benefiting the service.  He doesnt need much else, but the gratification he receives from fulfilling his duty. 

First Lesson

Coming out of a long term relationship was difficult.  I found that when I ended a 13 year relationship I had to learn to interact with other men all over again.  When I was younger, I hand guys falling all over me left and right. I didn't have to work at relating or being kind. I was actually quit cocky back then. I was in a different place in my life and disinterested with what men had to offer. I was focused on school and being independent.

Now as a older, wiser person with alot more collateral and reputation that could be affected by my choices, I was scared and clumsy with dating. I had met someone, briefly, alot younger than me and sure, it was fun momentarily.  After time, I felt disinterested, conversation with someone less mature, less educated, was boring and I soon fell out of that relationship.  I was learning that the " girlie girl" at middle age is looking for a different type of hottie than the young Gorky girl, who dated for looks and excitement.

At this stage my time was more valuable and I had less time or patience to deal Ruth someone who couldn't pull their weight in livelihood, conversation, accomplishments, and the like.  I took the advice of friends and made an attempt at online dating.  E harmony was my choice. I interview people for a living and, at the time, did not know how to shut off working girlie girl and turn on off the clock girly girl. I must have blown through 2-300 profiles and couldn't get past the initial exchanges. I had always found one red flag or another to give me a reason not to select them. It was like filtering resumes.   Then I redefined what I was looking for and made a determination to give a relationship a change- to be more patient- less judgemental- more open.  That's when I landed an Asian marine.

I didn't realize he was in active duty when we first connected. I thought he worked for a government office's security department. His profile had a photo of him wearing a badge and his profession said " government".  I put 2 and 2 together and that was what I thought.

We chatted a bit, exchanged numbers and began a 2 month conversation. We tried to connect a few times but we were both do buzy, our schedules didn't sinc up. 

What Happens Next?

I received a little backlash from my friends after sharing with them the new news about my marine.  He is being appointed to a high ranking military role abroad.  It will be great for his career and as a result he will be living in the country that he works.  So what am I thinking of  now you ask?

Yes, I would be lying if I said my dreams didn’t float towards the ifs and what could be.  What if he proposes and asks me to go with him.  Will I be happy there, in a foreign country, away from family and friends?  How will I live there? I would be completely vulnerable to him because I don’t know the language and I don’t have MY home and MY job and MY friends and MY family there.  What if he is a real jerk and is mean to me?  What if I get dysentery from the food.  What if I get into trouble and knock over other people’s motorcycles while I’m there?

Silly huh?  Well, my mind wanders and explores… it is just what the mind does… always thinking.  My friends say “ Uck, what does he want now? I don’t believe you talk to him still, move on!” etc.    Others don’t see that he was in my life so they are indifferent. 

This week I have not heard from him.  Not uncommon right?   Well, for you military folks who think you are the only ones to go weeks and months without communicating, you are wrong.  I know plenty of people who I contact or who contact me every few months.  We remain friends for years, but life is just so busy we don’t make time for each other but once every few months.  

I also know a retired Navy Seal captain.  He lives closely but is always in between one city or another.  Although he is retired, he consults with the military and is in San Diego a lot of the time, or overseas somewhere doing God Only Knows What.  Momentarily I attempted to date this man too, but I see that he is not ready for me.  He is always running here or there and can rarely commit to spending time together.  His plans are always changing. 

My girlfriends also share with me that they have ‘friends’ who are successful in careers, but rarely have time for personal time with them.  They might land a dinner date a couple times a year.   I think that is just how life goes.  Life is so busy, especially for accomplished people.  Now I know that when I enjoy something (or love it) I make the time for it.  I imagine it is the same way in relationship with people. When they love it, and enjoy it, they make time.

All this to say, I contend with the fact that my marine was in a state of transition.  When I met him, he was readying for deployment, selling his possessions and trying to get his foundation set after having non-beneficial relationships.  Then he tried to transition out.  It is important for him to be established before he brings someone in.  He is still in this state of flux and hopefully this new assignment will get him to the space he wants to be in life.   I am very happy for him.  I am glad when my friends do well. 

This past week, I dedicated a yoga class to the concept of “Will”, having been inspired by my marine.  The lesson was that we have a “Will” and what is to say we are living within the “Divine will for our lives? - how do we know when this is true?”  I shared with my students that while I was with my marine I was discouraged and frustrated when everything in life failed in keeping both of us in a regular life together.  For example, when he returned from deployment, he got frustrated with our civilian hiring processes, so he left the country momentarily.  Then, I worked to get him interviews and it didn’t work out for him.  How frustrating.  Little did I realize, at the time, that was not the Divine will for his life.  Life intended for him to accept that lucrative position on a campaign that would lead to this stellar opportunity.  Who could have known this at the time?  Now, upon reflection, I am so glad he didn’t continue is that boring job at a retail chain store.  He would have been bored out of his mind.  Now, he is able to work to his strengths in security and operations leadership.  Now, he will have a lot of prestige, authority, and yes a lot of money.   Who would have guessed?  So, as I told my class we may not know what the Will is for us, but in each moment, wherever we are we need to live our will in ourselves and do everything with heart.  We flowed to Asian music indigenous to the area where my marine will be working.  The students loved the music and loved the class. 

As for me?  You ask, what am I going to do?  Well, it seems I will be doing what I have always done (minus the internal whining to myself and this blog audience).   I will live every day, every moment in the best light.  I will continue to be me.  No, my life isn’t on hold, it is constantly progressing.

Am I waiting for him?  I don’t know if that is the case. I might get to see him before he leaves permanently and I might not.  You never know sometimes how things can turn out.  The first step is he would have to call and come see me.  Then he would have to talk about and ask me if I see a future with him and we would go from there.  Absent any of that, he is just a friend who comes to visit.  Nothing more.

~

What Luck!

As luck would have it, my marine called me after two months of silence.  He tells me that he has been very busy with his new assignment that has him traveling quite a bit, creating scenarios for training.  He also shared that he will be appointed to a very good position oversees.  I was happy to hear from him as I missed his friendship.  During our conversation ( you know this thought plagued me) I couldn't help but think, ' what could lead someone to not contact me in two months?'  I asked him, " What did I do last time I saw you, to cause you to not want to talk to me in two months?"

He told me that when he came to visit, I was drunk.  He reminded me that wine and me don't mix very well. He said that I dropped his motorcycle and now he has to pay$3,000 to fix it.  He said that he did not talk to me afterward because he was upset and needed time to cool off.  Plus his work had him busy and traveling last minute.   I was shocked at myself and felt ashamed for what I did.  I think if someone would have done that to me, I wouldn't talk to them either.   He tells me,it is water under the bridge, whats done is done.

He made every attempt to connect with me, however, since he has to drive an hour and a half to see me, we couldn't make our schedules work to make it happen.  We agreed to meet, but shortly after we talked, he was called in to deploy.  As luck would have it, that day at work I was able to resolve two big problems.  One of the problems was to negotiate a extension for an employee. The employee was worried about getting dismissed if she didn't perform in 30 days.  I negotiated 60 days for her.  The second problem came later in the evening as I was walking out of my office.  A coworker came in to remind me that we haven't had bible study in awhile.  He shared that he has been going through trials.  He said that his wife left the home and announced that she wants a divorce.  He was troubled, he said he realizes he has not been showing her he loves her and that he hasn't been a good husband.  He talked on and I listened.  He was not sure how to behave.  He said that she wants a divorce, so he doesn't know what to do.  I asked him a simple question" are you divorced yet?"  He responded "No".  I commented, " So today, you are still married? Today you are still her husband?"  He said " Yes". So I told him, " My recommendation to you is to go and be her husband.  Go act like her husband and love her.  Don't wait, don't question, just go do it.  You aren't divorced yet, so don't act like you are and instead go be her husband 100 %".  With that and a prayer, he went off to comfort his wife.  At the end of the day, I know that although I wasn't able to be with a person I adore, at the very least I was used to encourage and assure two people who really needed it.  Oh yes, and I did congratulate my marine on his accomplishments.  He has sacrificed allot to be where he is.

I am teaching yoga now, several times a week.  This doesn't leave much time for socializing outside of my usual groups of people, church, work, family and yoga.  The question did arise " Have you been with anyone else?" The answer for both of us was"NO".  My life is mostly surrounded by girlfriends and family.  As a result, I don't have the opportunity to sleep around.  (Boohoo! LOL) Apparently, he has been very busy and hasn't either.


My friends ask me,if he asks you to go with him oversees to live, what will you do?   A big part of me says I would go.  I would love the opportunity to be closer to him and to be in Southeast Asia.  I love Asian foods and customs.  I would enjoy practicing yoga there and deepening my practice.  I think I would be able to start some type of business or interests out there to help people.  I think it would be a great opportunity for me, a good experience.  That said, there are some things that need to be worked out before that happens.  So, first, I need to see him.  Then, we need to talk about some of these things.  So to answer my friends, I say, I keep my options open.  Today is Monday.  He is not here and I need to get to work.  That is all that is on my mind right now.    Stay tuned. 

How did I get Here?

 Today I begin the next phase of my blog.  The title will remain ‘ the care and feeding of a US Marine’, only because  the title will make sense as we progress through the story. 

I have not heard from my marine, outside of a text mid January, since Mid December.  I don’t remember his last visit, what happened, what was said.  All I know is I drank too much alcohol ( a bottle of wine) and passed out.  When I awoke, he was gone.  I have since texted him, appealing to engage in conversation, but he has not responded.   My friends tell me “ Good riddance”.  They tell me I need to realize I have value and I should not tolerate this from him.   I dont know why he isolated or distanced himself.  I dont understand how someone could be so close then repel so far away.   I learned to stop asking Why.  I cannot begin to understand why this marine acts this way unless he tells me.  He cannot tell me if we are not in dialogue.  And so it is.

I decided, after this incident, that I would focus the first six months of 2013  on me.  I see that I had invested myself in a relationship  too easily and upon reflection, see a  few things I could have done differently.  I remain cordial to his family member, who now works at the same company I do.  We meet occasionally for lunch and work social events.   His family member is a super great person and I beleive my marine is great as well, since he is related ( part of ) to her.  However, I resolve that he is not into me for now and I need to suck it up and move on. 

So, here I am, putting ink to my thoughts, my feelings and my relational development.   Today, I know to fill my life with the things I love.  I schedule in activities, exploring new things, enjoying old things and invite people into my experiences.  I know I am a good person.  I love myself, I love those around me and I let my light shine to others who need encouragement and happy experiences.   I have great friends and we give and receive from one another.  I don’t fret over my ‘ special person’, whomever that will be.  I am open to meeting him, but its not the end of the world if I don’t meet him and it definitely does not complete me.  I am complete.  In my articles I hope to show the lessons I learned in boot camp, as a result of being with my marine. ( metaphorically speaking)  

Here we go....

Letting People In

Ive always considered myself a home body, though others see me as 'always being out and about'.  The truth is, I am a home body.  This time that my marine is away, I have asked God to give me good people in my life to help me does, to do  the activities that I like to do.  Yes, I had caught myself looking to connect with people in the things they like to do and feeling unfullfilled when those friends dont reciprocate.

For example, earlier in the year I agreed to accompany a friend on a 50 mile bike trip.  I was uncomfortable with the sleeping arragements and accomodations and not knowing exactly where we were going, etc.  I suffered through it because I wanted to learn how to not be in control of the arrangements and to just sit back and enjoy.  Then it came my turn,I wanted to run in Sonoma Wine Country.  This friend backed out on me. I was disappointed and have since distanced myself from this friend.  Sure, I did confront her about the decision and let her know that I was disappointed in her.  She did not appologize (which is what I was looking for). 
Some of the things I like to do are cook, play tennis, golf,run, hike, theatre, movies, read, dine and...  Well, thats a good start.  After praying for God to send me the right people.  Since most people presume I am always buzy, I had to tell them that I spend alot of time at home alone and that I need someone to hang out with.  I tell them that when my marine is away, I feel lonely and need company.  If  people dont know these things, they wont know how to help me.  So, thereafter, I was reaquainted with an old friend and his wife.  She is a great cook and we all plan to go hiking soon.  Then I engaged my other girlfriend to take salsa lessons with me weekly.  I had three lunch dates last week and my neighbor is my new walking/running partner and soon to be biking buddy.  Frankly, with all this new activity... I dont have room for my marine. jejejeje! just kidding. 
My marine?  oh, he called the other night, but unfortunately I had my ringer off.  I tried to get back to him to no avail.  I havent emailed him any happenings all weekend.  I think I will strive for another two weeks with no emails and see if he gets off his rock and decides to call or email me.

Tips for a Successful Relationship

How do you have a successful relationship?  I have read many, many books on this subject to prepare for my relationship with my marine.  In anticipation of his return from afghanistan, I began to read some of the greats: Love and Respect, 5 Love Languages, How we Love, Boundaries, Men are Waffles Women are Spaghetti, Communication books, Necesary Endings, and the list goes on and on. 
My best examples of successful relationships are what I observe from my mom (married for life), my sister (married 20 years), my sister in-law( married 18 years), my friend (married 21 years), and my girlfriend (married 17 years). I have many single, professional girlfriends.  They offer their advice. But I prefer the relationship advice of someone who is successfully IN a relationship over someone who is successfully single anyday.
Mom was passive in public.  She allowed my dad to call the shots and her role was to support his decision.  When she her opinion differed, she would argue in private.  My dad was not perfect, by no means.  Irregardless she forgave his stubborness and harshness and was patient with him. In the early years of their marriage my dad was away for extended periods of time.  He did missionary work.  Mom tended the fort and we never went without.
My sister, runs her home.  She takes care of just about everything relational.  She is a superwoman soccer mom.  Her husband is the planner and takes care of the major finances, although she carries her own weight.  I think she earns a little more than he does, but when it comes to decisions she usually says "Let me talk it over with my husband".  Even when her husband is difficult, she is accomodating and compesates for him. They both live very buzy lives.  He is gone on educational trips and spent a few months out of state on an educational trip.  She tended the home and the kids life did not skip a beat.
My sister in law has her own career and manages the artistic appearance of the home and organizes the bulk of their social life.  My brother, her husband, spent months away doing research and to date he works out of state.  She is used to time alone and she sees the positives in that they value their together time more and get to recharge when they are away from each other.  Sometimes he talks over her and disregards her feelings.  She silences herself and lets him have his moment to speak and control the conversations.  She tidy's up after him and thinks the world of him.  He is brilliant, by the way.
My friend's wife is amazing.  She is a prayer warrior and for 17 years of their marriage she spent time on her knees praying for her husband.  Now he is a model family man and avid churchgoer.  He thanks her  for her prayers and her unconditional love for him.  She was patient when he was rambunctious.
My girlfriend is a balzy SOB.  She is always happy and joking.  Her husband lets her be herself and they have open candid conversations.  They tell each other everything and when they have time off, they love to spend it with each other.  She runs all decisions by him and verifies her calendar with him to ensure she doesnt book friend time in lieu of hubby time.  They both work alot.
The common theme among all these women is this.  They all have to spend significant time away from their person.  They all love their person very much and respect him. By respect, I mean, they partner with him on decisions, they are sure not to disrespect his position or his time.  They value what he thinks and who he is. They are patient with him and support his decision and his ways. None of these women are weak.  Most likely they can stand on their own.  In their case, they chose to submit to the will of their husbands and rest in a role of support and encouragement to them.   Their examples are better than any book.

Battle Scars

Still missing my sweetheart.  I will continue to miss him daily for the next 3 months.  Nonetheless, I went to visit a co-worker for lunch.  This co-worker happened to have been raised by a Marine, Special Forces. 

On our way to lunch, I shared with him a story of my childhood, of when I was little my dad moved us from a Hispanic neighborhood riddled with Cholos (aka gangsters) to a middle class, white neighborhood.  Being the only 'Mexicans' on the block we were succumbed to ridicule and discrimination.  I and my siblings would hear racial slurs and comments such as being called ‘ tacos’ and ‘beaners’.  My co-worker related and said he was called “Kung Pao Chicken”, by one of our customers.  As if that wasn't bad enough, the kids in the neighborhood had these full lives with their families that we didn’t.  By saying, full lives, I mean to say that they would have conversations with their parents and real vacations.  Their dads would come home from work and ask them about their happenings and their feelings.  Their dad would hug them, and be genuinely interested in what happened during their day.  Their dads would remember their birthdays, holidays and school events. They would take vacations to Hawaii; the Colorado River... their grandma's would pass and leave them inheritance. 


My life was quite different.  My dad came home and barked orders “pick up your socks!" “Turn off the TV", " Eat your vegetables".  My dad didn’t express that he care about our feelings.  He would say things like “Don’t baby yourself" “You want to cry? Go to your room".  My dad worked a lot and was not present for many of my memorable experiences, such as school plays, parent teacher night, graduations.... yes, even my college graduation. He was always working. Our vacations consisted on visiting our relatives in Mexico ( wooptydoo!).


My co-worker then shared with me that he could relate.  His dad was stern and showed no emotion.  His dad's dad passed and he did not shed a tear.  I recalled that when my dad dies, I didn’t share a tear either.  I went back to work afterward. I didn’t grieve my dad's death until over 10 years later when I was in a HOW WE LOVE seminar.
 
My co-worker went on to say that his dad said "Son, there are three times a man cries; when he is born, when his first son is born, and when he is about to die".  He shared that growing up in America was a challenge.  His parents didn’t speak much English and he had difficulty in school at an early age.  He said when then teachers counseled him with his parents, they just smiled in agreement without understanding a word that was said.  When he was 18 years old, his father told him that he would pay for the first tuition of his school, thereafter he was on his own.  At that age, he moved out and found a job.  I was impressed by his story, relating to it in some ways.  Especially the part where he said " My dad always wanted us to do better than him".  My dad said that to me often. My dad wasn’t a marine, he was just a hard ---s.

Finally, he shared, that he would see his dad with his shirt off and see scars and wounds of battle.  His dad would never talk about what he did in Special Forces.  He never shared the stories of the things he's seen.  “ My dad is the toughest man alive”, he said.  I then asked a retorical question “ Does that make you tough? to not share emotion and to hold it all in?.”   He shrugged his shoulders and said “ I dunno, Im a crybaby.  Im not like my dad at all”.
He then asked how was my marine.  I had shared a photo of my marine with him on a previous occasion.   I got to share with him that my marine was away, for a while.  Amazingly, he understood. 

The Things We Do For Money

My marine shared with me that he is in a place that is hot and sticky.  By the end of the day, with his bullet proof vest on, he is drenched with sweat!  He works long hours and doesn’t get much sleep.
I know he said he is going to make alot of money on this assignment.  That is something that is important to him.  I think, if you do the math, he will probably make a little over minimum wage.  If you compare the value of his life to me (priceless) then they are grossly underpaying him. 
However, I know that he is doing something that he loves and knows how to do.  He is doing something that makes him feel good about himself.  As much as I tell him that I don’t need his money and I don’t need him to risk his life... he needs it.  My role in this is to understand and to love him for who he is and how he is. 
I try not to think about his conditions too much.  I do, from time to time worry that  My poor baby is working such long hours, he is tired, and I wonder if he has eaten? I wonder if he needs me to rub his feet... they are probably tired and sore from walking and standing 12-16 hours.  I wish, in a way, I could shelter him from all the bad people who are trying to harm him.  I would punch them! How dare they shoot at him! I also think about how he must feel with eminent fear of getting shot. He tells me he is not afraid, of course not.. He is a Marine after all.
He assures me not to worry about his safety.  He says he has a good partner. 

Daily, I say my prayers for him.  My prayer for him has been for my God to send a legion of angels to fight with him and that His angels’ wings cover and protect him.  I pray that he finds favor where he is and that everyone treats him well.  I pray that my God change the hearts and minds of those around him so that his success can unfold easily in his path.  I pray the Holy Spirit guide his every step, to keep him in a safe and good path, to march him into victory.  I pray that all negative spirits, thoughts, people, and things stay far from him.  I stand against any negative forces and any enemies that come against him.  I thank the Lord for his everlasting love and thank the Lord for pouring his love out over my marine and his team. I thank the Lord for giving my marine this experience and bringing him home safely.  I thank the Lord for protecting him and keeping him from harm, and also for giving him a little fun while he is away. to allow him to enjoy the people, the culture, the environment and the experience.  I rest on the promise that God gives me that if I delight in him; he will give me the desires of my heart.  This is what my heart desires... that God extend his grace and love that he has for me... onto my marine.  In Jesus name, I speak prosperity, love, and wellbeing into my marine's life and I trust He will deliver this.   AMEN =)

Making the Best of Time Away

Here we go again.  I have had three days of sulking and missing him.  I haven’t figured out why I feel this way.  The closest logical reason is that I love him and I feel the distance.  I know he will be ok.  I know he will come back. In the distant negative ideas lurking way in the back of my head there is that notion of ... “maybe he'll meet a little Asian girl there and fall in love".  I know that is not a healthy idea, I shake that idea off.  If he were to find love out there, I am happy for him. He deserves it.  We all deserve to find that feeling of love.  
The delay in hearing from him is deafening. It’s not uncommon for him to take a week or two to connect with me.  He needs time to arrive and get situated, connected to the internet... his computer might have gotten lost or damaged in transit.  Things and conditions may have changed and he can’t call me. During this time I try to stay buzy, get my emotions straight and keep a positive and optimistic attitude.
I understand, the work he does is challenging and his focus needs to be on his work and saving his life, not on whether I need him to call me so that I can tell him about the silly things that happen during my day. 
The day before yesterday I sulked when I got home from work.  Going to an Asian fruit store made me feel better.  My marine is Asian.  Yesterday, I went to lunch at a Thai restaurant.  That made me feels better.  Today, I am meeting his cousin for lunch.  I don’t know her that well but I plan to get to know her better.  I think it will help me get to know him.
Some say, why deal with this? why not just find a guy at home, with a regular life, to spend time with you, blah,blah,blah. I say, in my head, who wants that? That's boring? Something about this man attracts me.  Something about him makes me want to understand him better. Besides, there are no boys at home who are expressing interest for the moment.
So during this time away, I am redirecting my focus inward, at things I need to get done.  I need to do home repairs, career stuff, exercise and I am trying this new life style of "gluten free living".  I'll let you know how it goes.  I’m interested to hear what others do during time away?