How did I get Here?

 Today I begin the next phase of my blog.  The title will remain ‘ the care and feeding of a US Marine’, only because  the title will make sense as we progress through the story. 

I have not heard from my marine, outside of a text mid January, since Mid December.  I don’t remember his last visit, what happened, what was said.  All I know is I drank too much alcohol ( a bottle of wine) and passed out.  When I awoke, he was gone.  I have since texted him, appealing to engage in conversation, but he has not responded.   My friends tell me “ Good riddance”.  They tell me I need to realize I have value and I should not tolerate this from him.   I dont know why he isolated or distanced himself.  I dont understand how someone could be so close then repel so far away.   I learned to stop asking Why.  I cannot begin to understand why this marine acts this way unless he tells me.  He cannot tell me if we are not in dialogue.  And so it is.

I decided, after this incident, that I would focus the first six months of 2013  on me.  I see that I had invested myself in a relationship  too easily and upon reflection, see a  few things I could have done differently.  I remain cordial to his family member, who now works at the same company I do.  We meet occasionally for lunch and work social events.   His family member is a super great person and I beleive my marine is great as well, since he is related ( part of ) to her.  However, I resolve that he is not into me for now and I need to suck it up and move on. 

So, here I am, putting ink to my thoughts, my feelings and my relational development.   Today, I know to fill my life with the things I love.  I schedule in activities, exploring new things, enjoying old things and invite people into my experiences.  I know I am a good person.  I love myself, I love those around me and I let my light shine to others who need encouragement and happy experiences.   I have great friends and we give and receive from one another.  I don’t fret over my ‘ special person’, whomever that will be.  I am open to meeting him, but its not the end of the world if I don’t meet him and it definitely does not complete me.  I am complete.  In my articles I hope to show the lessons I learned in boot camp, as a result of being with my marine. ( metaphorically speaking)  

Here we go....

Letting People In

Ive always considered myself a home body, though others see me as 'always being out and about'.  The truth is, I am a home body.  This time that my marine is away, I have asked God to give me good people in my life to help me does, to do  the activities that I like to do.  Yes, I had caught myself looking to connect with people in the things they like to do and feeling unfullfilled when those friends dont reciprocate.

For example, earlier in the year I agreed to accompany a friend on a 50 mile bike trip.  I was uncomfortable with the sleeping arragements and accomodations and not knowing exactly where we were going, etc.  I suffered through it because I wanted to learn how to not be in control of the arrangements and to just sit back and enjoy.  Then it came my turn,I wanted to run in Sonoma Wine Country.  This friend backed out on me. I was disappointed and have since distanced myself from this friend.  Sure, I did confront her about the decision and let her know that I was disappointed in her.  She did not appologize (which is what I was looking for). 
Some of the things I like to do are cook, play tennis, golf,run, hike, theatre, movies, read, dine and...  Well, thats a good start.  After praying for God to send me the right people.  Since most people presume I am always buzy, I had to tell them that I spend alot of time at home alone and that I need someone to hang out with.  I tell them that when my marine is away, I feel lonely and need company.  If  people dont know these things, they wont know how to help me.  So, thereafter, I was reaquainted with an old friend and his wife.  She is a great cook and we all plan to go hiking soon.  Then I engaged my other girlfriend to take salsa lessons with me weekly.  I had three lunch dates last week and my neighbor is my new walking/running partner and soon to be biking buddy.  Frankly, with all this new activity... I dont have room for my marine. jejejeje! just kidding. 
My marine?  oh, he called the other night, but unfortunately I had my ringer off.  I tried to get back to him to no avail.  I havent emailed him any happenings all weekend.  I think I will strive for another two weeks with no emails and see if he gets off his rock and decides to call or email me.

Tips for a Successful Relationship

How do you have a successful relationship?  I have read many, many books on this subject to prepare for my relationship with my marine.  In anticipation of his return from afghanistan, I began to read some of the greats: Love and Respect, 5 Love Languages, How we Love, Boundaries, Men are Waffles Women are Spaghetti, Communication books, Necesary Endings, and the list goes on and on. 
My best examples of successful relationships are what I observe from my mom (married for life), my sister (married 20 years), my sister in-law( married 18 years), my friend (married 21 years), and my girlfriend (married 17 years). I have many single, professional girlfriends.  They offer their advice. But I prefer the relationship advice of someone who is successfully IN a relationship over someone who is successfully single anyday.
Mom was passive in public.  She allowed my dad to call the shots and her role was to support his decision.  When she her opinion differed, she would argue in private.  My dad was not perfect, by no means.  Irregardless she forgave his stubborness and harshness and was patient with him. In the early years of their marriage my dad was away for extended periods of time.  He did missionary work.  Mom tended the fort and we never went without.
My sister, runs her home.  She takes care of just about everything relational.  She is a superwoman soccer mom.  Her husband is the planner and takes care of the major finances, although she carries her own weight.  I think she earns a little more than he does, but when it comes to decisions she usually says "Let me talk it over with my husband".  Even when her husband is difficult, she is accomodating and compesates for him. They both live very buzy lives.  He is gone on educational trips and spent a few months out of state on an educational trip.  She tended the home and the kids life did not skip a beat.
My sister in law has her own career and manages the artistic appearance of the home and organizes the bulk of their social life.  My brother, her husband, spent months away doing research and to date he works out of state.  She is used to time alone and she sees the positives in that they value their together time more and get to recharge when they are away from each other.  Sometimes he talks over her and disregards her feelings.  She silences herself and lets him have his moment to speak and control the conversations.  She tidy's up after him and thinks the world of him.  He is brilliant, by the way.
My friend's wife is amazing.  She is a prayer warrior and for 17 years of their marriage she spent time on her knees praying for her husband.  Now he is a model family man and avid churchgoer.  He thanks her  for her prayers and her unconditional love for him.  She was patient when he was rambunctious.
My girlfriend is a balzy SOB.  She is always happy and joking.  Her husband lets her be herself and they have open candid conversations.  They tell each other everything and when they have time off, they love to spend it with each other.  She runs all decisions by him and verifies her calendar with him to ensure she doesnt book friend time in lieu of hubby time.  They both work alot.
The common theme among all these women is this.  They all have to spend significant time away from their person.  They all love their person very much and respect him. By respect, I mean, they partner with him on decisions, they are sure not to disrespect his position or his time.  They value what he thinks and who he is. They are patient with him and support his decision and his ways. None of these women are weak.  Most likely they can stand on their own.  In their case, they chose to submit to the will of their husbands and rest in a role of support and encouragement to them.   Their examples are better than any book.

Battle Scars

Still missing my sweetheart.  I will continue to miss him daily for the next 3 months.  Nonetheless, I went to visit a co-worker for lunch.  This co-worker happened to have been raised by a Marine, Special Forces. 

On our way to lunch, I shared with him a story of my childhood, of when I was little my dad moved us from a Hispanic neighborhood riddled with Cholos (aka gangsters) to a middle class, white neighborhood.  Being the only 'Mexicans' on the block we were succumbed to ridicule and discrimination.  I and my siblings would hear racial slurs and comments such as being called ‘ tacos’ and ‘beaners’.  My co-worker related and said he was called “Kung Pao Chicken”, by one of our customers.  As if that wasn't bad enough, the kids in the neighborhood had these full lives with their families that we didn’t.  By saying, full lives, I mean to say that they would have conversations with their parents and real vacations.  Their dads would come home from work and ask them about their happenings and their feelings.  Their dad would hug them, and be genuinely interested in what happened during their day.  Their dads would remember their birthdays, holidays and school events. They would take vacations to Hawaii; the Colorado River... their grandma's would pass and leave them inheritance. 


My life was quite different.  My dad came home and barked orders “pick up your socks!" “Turn off the TV", " Eat your vegetables".  My dad didn’t express that he care about our feelings.  He would say things like “Don’t baby yourself" “You want to cry? Go to your room".  My dad worked a lot and was not present for many of my memorable experiences, such as school plays, parent teacher night, graduations.... yes, even my college graduation. He was always working. Our vacations consisted on visiting our relatives in Mexico ( wooptydoo!).


My co-worker then shared with me that he could relate.  His dad was stern and showed no emotion.  His dad's dad passed and he did not shed a tear.  I recalled that when my dad dies, I didn’t share a tear either.  I went back to work afterward. I didn’t grieve my dad's death until over 10 years later when I was in a HOW WE LOVE seminar.
 
My co-worker went on to say that his dad said "Son, there are three times a man cries; when he is born, when his first son is born, and when he is about to die".  He shared that growing up in America was a challenge.  His parents didn’t speak much English and he had difficulty in school at an early age.  He said when then teachers counseled him with his parents, they just smiled in agreement without understanding a word that was said.  When he was 18 years old, his father told him that he would pay for the first tuition of his school, thereafter he was on his own.  At that age, he moved out and found a job.  I was impressed by his story, relating to it in some ways.  Especially the part where he said " My dad always wanted us to do better than him".  My dad said that to me often. My dad wasn’t a marine, he was just a hard ---s.

Finally, he shared, that he would see his dad with his shirt off and see scars and wounds of battle.  His dad would never talk about what he did in Special Forces.  He never shared the stories of the things he's seen.  “ My dad is the toughest man alive”, he said.  I then asked a retorical question “ Does that make you tough? to not share emotion and to hold it all in?.”   He shrugged his shoulders and said “ I dunno, Im a crybaby.  Im not like my dad at all”.
He then asked how was my marine.  I had shared a photo of my marine with him on a previous occasion.   I got to share with him that my marine was away, for a while.  Amazingly, he understood. 

The Things We Do For Money

My marine shared with me that he is in a place that is hot and sticky.  By the end of the day, with his bullet proof vest on, he is drenched with sweat!  He works long hours and doesn’t get much sleep.
I know he said he is going to make alot of money on this assignment.  That is something that is important to him.  I think, if you do the math, he will probably make a little over minimum wage.  If you compare the value of his life to me (priceless) then they are grossly underpaying him. 
However, I know that he is doing something that he loves and knows how to do.  He is doing something that makes him feel good about himself.  As much as I tell him that I don’t need his money and I don’t need him to risk his life... he needs it.  My role in this is to understand and to love him for who he is and how he is. 
I try not to think about his conditions too much.  I do, from time to time worry that  My poor baby is working such long hours, he is tired, and I wonder if he has eaten? I wonder if he needs me to rub his feet... they are probably tired and sore from walking and standing 12-16 hours.  I wish, in a way, I could shelter him from all the bad people who are trying to harm him.  I would punch them! How dare they shoot at him! I also think about how he must feel with eminent fear of getting shot. He tells me he is not afraid, of course not.. He is a Marine after all.
He assures me not to worry about his safety.  He says he has a good partner. 

Daily, I say my prayers for him.  My prayer for him has been for my God to send a legion of angels to fight with him and that His angels’ wings cover and protect him.  I pray that he finds favor where he is and that everyone treats him well.  I pray that my God change the hearts and minds of those around him so that his success can unfold easily in his path.  I pray the Holy Spirit guide his every step, to keep him in a safe and good path, to march him into victory.  I pray that all negative spirits, thoughts, people, and things stay far from him.  I stand against any negative forces and any enemies that come against him.  I thank the Lord for his everlasting love and thank the Lord for pouring his love out over my marine and his team. I thank the Lord for giving my marine this experience and bringing him home safely.  I thank the Lord for protecting him and keeping him from harm, and also for giving him a little fun while he is away. to allow him to enjoy the people, the culture, the environment and the experience.  I rest on the promise that God gives me that if I delight in him; he will give me the desires of my heart.  This is what my heart desires... that God extend his grace and love that he has for me... onto my marine.  In Jesus name, I speak prosperity, love, and wellbeing into my marine's life and I trust He will deliver this.   AMEN =)

Making the Best of Time Away

Here we go again.  I have had three days of sulking and missing him.  I haven’t figured out why I feel this way.  The closest logical reason is that I love him and I feel the distance.  I know he will be ok.  I know he will come back. In the distant negative ideas lurking way in the back of my head there is that notion of ... “maybe he'll meet a little Asian girl there and fall in love".  I know that is not a healthy idea, I shake that idea off.  If he were to find love out there, I am happy for him. He deserves it.  We all deserve to find that feeling of love.  
The delay in hearing from him is deafening. It’s not uncommon for him to take a week or two to connect with me.  He needs time to arrive and get situated, connected to the internet... his computer might have gotten lost or damaged in transit.  Things and conditions may have changed and he can’t call me. During this time I try to stay buzy, get my emotions straight and keep a positive and optimistic attitude.
I understand, the work he does is challenging and his focus needs to be on his work and saving his life, not on whether I need him to call me so that I can tell him about the silly things that happen during my day. 
The day before yesterday I sulked when I got home from work.  Going to an Asian fruit store made me feel better.  My marine is Asian.  Yesterday, I went to lunch at a Thai restaurant.  That made me feels better.  Today, I am meeting his cousin for lunch.  I don’t know her that well but I plan to get to know her better.  I think it will help me get to know him.
Some say, why deal with this? why not just find a guy at home, with a regular life, to spend time with you, blah,blah,blah. I say, in my head, who wants that? That's boring? Something about this man attracts me.  Something about him makes me want to understand him better. Besides, there are no boys at home who are expressing interest for the moment.
So during this time away, I am redirecting my focus inward, at things I need to get done.  I need to do home repairs, career stuff, exercise and I am trying this new life style of "gluten free living".  I'll let you know how it goes.  I’m interested to hear what others do during time away?

This Time is Different

Separation is always been difficult for me.  This time, it was different.  In the past,my marine would isolate before deploying and he would not see me or call a few days before he leaves. I have yet to see him off on his trips. His parents do that for him.  They take him to the airport or base and I am left on the outside, at home.  It sucks, I know but he doesnt want me there.

This time, he called me and we spoke during the last day.He called to see how my weekend went and how my workday was flowing.  When he did, I spouted out all this craziness that I am dealing with right now, financially and at work.  He listened, empathized,listened.  I continued to speak for a while.  He listened, then he said " Are you sad because I am leaving?"  and I told him the truth.  " yes".  It is not that I am afraid he will not be ok or not return.  I know he will be fine and he will come back.  He always comes back.
I told him, I just dont like him being away.
He assured me that he will be fine and that we can communicate via email. He said I can tell him my problems or happy occurrences and he will respond when he can,daily if he could.
He is always so good at listening to me (babble) and settling my spirit when it gets stirred.

I will miss this man.