Something About That Marine

The other day, while in my therapy session, I began to share about my marine.  I have been working with a therapist for 3 visits now.  She is helping me release the "block" and "fear of closeness" that I have that hinders me from having a great relationship.  This fear of pain or pain avoidance that I hold deep inside of my emotions is to blame for my longing for my marine and for 'that thing' that draws me to him... yes, even though he pulls away.

What I have learned over time, in all that I read and all that I explore about myself, that I am much like my marine.  You see, people attract others who are as healthy as them.  Have you ever wondered, why is she with him? Why does he like her?  and we find, sometimes that one of 'them' tells these crazy outrageous stories about their partner.  We wonder, why does she put up with him? He is crazy?  Right? Have you ever asked yourself that question?.  The answer is found in this simple saying.  People attract others that are like them and people attract others who are as healthy as them. 

Simply put, those people who have an imbalance and need someone to take care of ( enablers/co-dependents) find someone to fill that need ( addicts and assholes).  In those cases, we think "opposites attract", but the truth is, they are the same.  They are both imbalanced. I have had my share of imbalanced relationships and I have worked hard the past 4 years to improve my emotional state, financial state, self- confidence, etc. etc.  

I was attracted to my marine because I didnt want to commit. I feared it.  Being with someone who is always gone and non committal satisfied my need.  I knew, deep down that persuing a non committal marine was safe.  He would not commit before I did and so, I would emerge the hero.  He would be the bad guy. 

Now, I am opening myself up for a healthy relationship.  Boy is it tough.  I have tried match.com and now I have returned to eharmony.  I am selective and anticipate the person I am with will be selective as well.  For me, my time is valuable so I dont want to spend it on someone who doesnt fit what I need.  A good strong relationship is something to grow into over time, so I need someone who will put in the time.

There I was, on the couch, talking to my therapist.  Today we talked about my excessive sugar eating and my bindges.  She then said that sometimes we look for comfort in food, for what we lack in our personal lives, be it love, affection, companionship.   I thought for a moment and suddenly I cried.  I told her, I don't know why I am crying, I suppose this needs to come out. 

Then, I shared a bit about my marine and what it was about him that I was attracted to.  I said " You know, I dated a man the other day and found him pleasant, however, there is nothing about him that draws me to him.  There is nothing about him that makes me think " I want that!".  I think it is important for me to have my partner ( my person) be someone who I admire.  I dont want someone I need to help.  I have had that before and I dont want it.  I want someone that I can see traits and behaviors in them and say, "I like that, I admire it, I want to be like that, someone who I can learn from"." 

My marine is a great communicator ( when he is with me... when he is away, he doesn't communicate).  He tells stories and speaks truth, from his heart.  He talks about his feelings and thoughts.  He is organized.  He always polished.  His grooming, nails, hair, etc. is impeccable.  He takes great care of his belongings.  His car is always clean.  His room is always tidy.   When he visits, he knows exactly where everything is.  He hangs his towel to dry after he uses it.  He doesnt leave it on the floor and he doesnt make a mess.  He washes his own plate.  He helps me cook and he is almost always polite and courteous.  He has never called me a rude name or said anything negative about me. He sits up straight and stands proud.   I love these things about him.  Being around him has helped me to be more organized and tidy.  I have learned to communicate better, to talk about my feelings and explain clearly.   I hope that my next person helps me grow as well.  I want to grow in closeness and learn how to have proper disagreements and when to stand down.  I want to learn how to deal positively with family members and to rely on someone, my person.

This marine, doesnt look like he is the one to do that.  He is always running off to some faraway place to work and he vacilates between closeness and isolation.  I'll keep trying.  At least now, I have a good foundation of what to look for, that 'something'.

LISTS

Today my girlfriend recommends to me to make a list.  I have made lists and plans before, for work, career, and life goals.  I had gone so far as to see a life coach.  He also recommended that I create a list.  He recommended for me to envision the life I want, complete, then to create a plan for me, to help complete the  items on the list and create the life I want, inclusive of a boyfriend.

I always make a life plan for year after year acheivements.  However, each time, when I get to the part of adding my boyfriend, I get stuck.  I think, this is silly.  I toggle between the idea of writing this boyfriend into my plan.  I am not certain whether if I create this ideal man, whether he would exist.  Worst, ihe exists, would he want me?
Most of the time, I dont include this ficticious boyfriend in my final plans.   Part of the reason I do this is because I know I can control me, and what I do; I cannot control someone else.
And so, here I am.  My marine, though out of the service, continues to engulf himself in work, so as to avoid a committed relationship.  I am, four yearsolder and wiser.  I started dating and find that dating as an adult is very different from dating as a your woman.
After attending to a few coffee dates and finding that the men wanted to kiss me and grope me too soon.  I am at a point that I am discouraged.  I dont want to date.  Although, at the same time, I dont want to close myself off.  I cant wait any longer for this marine to ground himself.  So, I date.  I continue  to date and offer my energy to the universe.  I put myself out there.
At the same time, I continue to enjoy the life I created.  A home, family, close friends, financial secureness, retirement planning.  I travel, I teach, I live.  I think, just for fun, I will create my list.
This future man, who will come to me, will be handsome, fit, take great care of himself, not give in to excessive drink or food.  He  will enjoy the outdoors and love to travel. He will want to spend time with friends, barbequing at home, sight seeing, or just sitting in the park or riing at the beach, holding my hand, spending time with me.  He will respect my faith and attend church with me from time to time.  He will be encouraging and listen to my day, listen to my heart, and he will enjoy spending time doing things with me.  He will beaccomplished.  He will have aheart for  service to others.  He will be patient with me. He will be ready for relationship, welcoming to come into my wonderful world and I will come into his.

That is my list. I am sticking to it.

Jn 

Uncertainty - When Will I See You Again?

One of the most challenging things to contend with when dating someone in the military is uncertainty.
In the time I devoted myself to my marine, there were plenty of foiled plans, spoiled dates, and unsatisfied anticipations of his arrival.   Most recently, my marine has taken a position as a site manager.  He contacted me before Easter holiday to tell me he might come home for the weekend and that he wanted to see me.  By this time, I had moved on and didn't give much thought to whether he would actually come.  That weekend I kept the plans I had in place to visit with friends and I wasnt at all surprised when he said he ended up working through the weekend.

I remembered some time back, when I had first engaged with assisting a support group for military spouses and veterans.  The group leader had dispelled stories of his experience of hardships with his 3 marriages while he served.  He shared with the group that it got to a point that his spouse was indifferent when he returned from duty.  The warm hugs and kissed that first welcomed him early on in the relationship, turned to a cold shoulder and a mumbled voice saying "Just leave your shoes on the porch".  One of the ladies in the group shared that during her husbands absence from the home, she became used to doing things independently.  As a result, when he returned and wanted to claim his position in the family and handle duties around the home, his requests would be met with her resistance to relinquish control of tasks she had always attended to.  This left her husband, the veteran, feeling useless.  So he soon would find another project or deployment to re-enlist so as to occupy his time and utilize his skills... to be useful.

At the time I heard these stories, years ago, I thought ' How insensitive, how could they?'  Now, having gone through the emotional roller coaster of excitement that  he's coming, only to find out that he is not, I too am indifferent and learned to live on my own and keep myself busy.   It makes no difference whether he comes and goes.   I suppose it is part of the territory.  He is doing what he loves, feeling useful  and benefiting the service.  He doesnt need much else, but the gratification he receives from fulfilling his duty. 

First Lesson

Coming out of a long term relationship was difficult.  I found that when I ended a 13 year relationship I had to learn to interact with other men all over again.  When I was younger, I hand guys falling all over me left and right. I didn't have to work at relating or being kind. I was actually quit cocky back then. I was in a different place in my life and disinterested with what men had to offer. I was focused on school and being independent.

Now as a older, wiser person with alot more collateral and reputation that could be affected by my choices, I was scared and clumsy with dating. I had met someone, briefly, alot younger than me and sure, it was fun momentarily.  After time, I felt disinterested, conversation with someone less mature, less educated, was boring and I soon fell out of that relationship.  I was learning that the " girlie girl" at middle age is looking for a different type of hottie than the young Gorky girl, who dated for looks and excitement.

At this stage my time was more valuable and I had less time or patience to deal Ruth someone who couldn't pull their weight in livelihood, conversation, accomplishments, and the like.  I took the advice of friends and made an attempt at online dating.  E harmony was my choice. I interview people for a living and, at the time, did not know how to shut off working girlie girl and turn on off the clock girly girl. I must have blown through 2-300 profiles and couldn't get past the initial exchanges. I had always found one red flag or another to give me a reason not to select them. It was like filtering resumes.   Then I redefined what I was looking for and made a determination to give a relationship a change- to be more patient- less judgemental- more open.  That's when I landed an Asian marine.

I didn't realize he was in active duty when we first connected. I thought he worked for a government office's security department. His profile had a photo of him wearing a badge and his profession said " government".  I put 2 and 2 together and that was what I thought.

We chatted a bit, exchanged numbers and began a 2 month conversation. We tried to connect a few times but we were both do buzy, our schedules didn't sinc up. 

What Happens Next?

I received a little backlash from my friends after sharing with them the new news about my marine.  He is being appointed to a high ranking military role abroad.  It will be great for his career and as a result he will be living in the country that he works.  So what am I thinking of  now you ask?

Yes, I would be lying if I said my dreams didn’t float towards the ifs and what could be.  What if he proposes and asks me to go with him.  Will I be happy there, in a foreign country, away from family and friends?  How will I live there? I would be completely vulnerable to him because I don’t know the language and I don’t have MY home and MY job and MY friends and MY family there.  What if he is a real jerk and is mean to me?  What if I get dysentery from the food.  What if I get into trouble and knock over other people’s motorcycles while I’m there?

Silly huh?  Well, my mind wanders and explores… it is just what the mind does… always thinking.  My friends say “ Uck, what does he want now? I don’t believe you talk to him still, move on!” etc.    Others don’t see that he was in my life so they are indifferent. 

This week I have not heard from him.  Not uncommon right?   Well, for you military folks who think you are the only ones to go weeks and months without communicating, you are wrong.  I know plenty of people who I contact or who contact me every few months.  We remain friends for years, but life is just so busy we don’t make time for each other but once every few months.  

I also know a retired Navy Seal captain.  He lives closely but is always in between one city or another.  Although he is retired, he consults with the military and is in San Diego a lot of the time, or overseas somewhere doing God Only Knows What.  Momentarily I attempted to date this man too, but I see that he is not ready for me.  He is always running here or there and can rarely commit to spending time together.  His plans are always changing. 

My girlfriends also share with me that they have ‘friends’ who are successful in careers, but rarely have time for personal time with them.  They might land a dinner date a couple times a year.   I think that is just how life goes.  Life is so busy, especially for accomplished people.  Now I know that when I enjoy something (or love it) I make the time for it.  I imagine it is the same way in relationship with people. When they love it, and enjoy it, they make time.

All this to say, I contend with the fact that my marine was in a state of transition.  When I met him, he was readying for deployment, selling his possessions and trying to get his foundation set after having non-beneficial relationships.  Then he tried to transition out.  It is important for him to be established before he brings someone in.  He is still in this state of flux and hopefully this new assignment will get him to the space he wants to be in life.   I am very happy for him.  I am glad when my friends do well. 

This past week, I dedicated a yoga class to the concept of “Will”, having been inspired by my marine.  The lesson was that we have a “Will” and what is to say we are living within the “Divine will for our lives? - how do we know when this is true?”  I shared with my students that while I was with my marine I was discouraged and frustrated when everything in life failed in keeping both of us in a regular life together.  For example, when he returned from deployment, he got frustrated with our civilian hiring processes, so he left the country momentarily.  Then, I worked to get him interviews and it didn’t work out for him.  How frustrating.  Little did I realize, at the time, that was not the Divine will for his life.  Life intended for him to accept that lucrative position on a campaign that would lead to this stellar opportunity.  Who could have known this at the time?  Now, upon reflection, I am so glad he didn’t continue is that boring job at a retail chain store.  He would have been bored out of his mind.  Now, he is able to work to his strengths in security and operations leadership.  Now, he will have a lot of prestige, authority, and yes a lot of money.   Who would have guessed?  So, as I told my class we may not know what the Will is for us, but in each moment, wherever we are we need to live our will in ourselves and do everything with heart.  We flowed to Asian music indigenous to the area where my marine will be working.  The students loved the music and loved the class. 

As for me?  You ask, what am I going to do?  Well, it seems I will be doing what I have always done (minus the internal whining to myself and this blog audience).   I will live every day, every moment in the best light.  I will continue to be me.  No, my life isn’t on hold, it is constantly progressing.

Am I waiting for him?  I don’t know if that is the case. I might get to see him before he leaves permanently and I might not.  You never know sometimes how things can turn out.  The first step is he would have to call and come see me.  Then he would have to talk about and ask me if I see a future with him and we would go from there.  Absent any of that, he is just a friend who comes to visit.  Nothing more.

~

What Luck!

As luck would have it, my marine called me after two months of silence.  He tells me that he has been very busy with his new assignment that has him traveling quite a bit, creating scenarios for training.  He also shared that he will be appointed to a very good position oversees.  I was happy to hear from him as I missed his friendship.  During our conversation ( you know this thought plagued me) I couldn't help but think, ' what could lead someone to not contact me in two months?'  I asked him, " What did I do last time I saw you, to cause you to not want to talk to me in two months?"

He told me that when he came to visit, I was drunk.  He reminded me that wine and me don't mix very well. He said that I dropped his motorcycle and now he has to pay$3,000 to fix it.  He said that he did not talk to me afterward because he was upset and needed time to cool off.  Plus his work had him busy and traveling last minute.   I was shocked at myself and felt ashamed for what I did.  I think if someone would have done that to me, I wouldn't talk to them either.   He tells me,it is water under the bridge, whats done is done.

He made every attempt to connect with me, however, since he has to drive an hour and a half to see me, we couldn't make our schedules work to make it happen.  We agreed to meet, but shortly after we talked, he was called in to deploy.  As luck would have it, that day at work I was able to resolve two big problems.  One of the problems was to negotiate a extension for an employee. The employee was worried about getting dismissed if she didn't perform in 30 days.  I negotiated 60 days for her.  The second problem came later in the evening as I was walking out of my office.  A coworker came in to remind me that we haven't had bible study in awhile.  He shared that he has been going through trials.  He said that his wife left the home and announced that she wants a divorce.  He was troubled, he said he realizes he has not been showing her he loves her and that he hasn't been a good husband.  He talked on and I listened.  He was not sure how to behave.  He said that she wants a divorce, so he doesn't know what to do.  I asked him a simple question" are you divorced yet?"  He responded "No".  I commented, " So today, you are still married? Today you are still her husband?"  He said " Yes". So I told him, " My recommendation to you is to go and be her husband.  Go act like her husband and love her.  Don't wait, don't question, just go do it.  You aren't divorced yet, so don't act like you are and instead go be her husband 100 %".  With that and a prayer, he went off to comfort his wife.  At the end of the day, I know that although I wasn't able to be with a person I adore, at the very least I was used to encourage and assure two people who really needed it.  Oh yes, and I did congratulate my marine on his accomplishments.  He has sacrificed allot to be where he is.

I am teaching yoga now, several times a week.  This doesn't leave much time for socializing outside of my usual groups of people, church, work, family and yoga.  The question did arise " Have you been with anyone else?" The answer for both of us was"NO".  My life is mostly surrounded by girlfriends and family.  As a result, I don't have the opportunity to sleep around.  (Boohoo! LOL) Apparently, he has been very busy and hasn't either.


My friends ask me,if he asks you to go with him oversees to live, what will you do?   A big part of me says I would go.  I would love the opportunity to be closer to him and to be in Southeast Asia.  I love Asian foods and customs.  I would enjoy practicing yoga there and deepening my practice.  I think I would be able to start some type of business or interests out there to help people.  I think it would be a great opportunity for me, a good experience.  That said, there are some things that need to be worked out before that happens.  So, first, I need to see him.  Then, we need to talk about some of these things.  So to answer my friends, I say, I keep my options open.  Today is Monday.  He is not here and I need to get to work.  That is all that is on my mind right now.    Stay tuned.