Growing Impatient

As each day that goes by, I grow more impatient.  Recalling back when I had just met my marine over 3 years ago... You see, we dated for 3 months when he told me " I have bad news... Im going to deploy by the end of the year"  and somewhere along the line, he asked me to be patient with him.  He said that being with a marine was tough and required alot of patience. 

These days, he asks me to continue to be patient with him.  He is challenged with transitioning out of service and he is not able to find work of equivalent stature and pay.  This upsets him and wears on his 'manhood'.  I try my best to encourage him and to remind him of all the wonderful things about him that I love.  Still, he is bothered by his inability to earn a good living and be able to support me or buy me trinkets. As much as I tell him I dont need those things and that what I need most is time with him, in his arms...( sigh) He's not buying it and he keeps himself distant and drinks alot of beer.

Honestly, how much more patient can I be?  I was patient when he was away at predeployment training for weeks or months at a time.  I was patient when he got snowed in for a few weeks and couldnt come home to be with me.  I was patient for 13 months while he was deployed.  13 MONTHS!!!.....13 MONTHS!!!! I was patient when he returned and isolated himself, from me.  I say from me, because I later learned he took a vacation during that time. ( Silly me was fretting over what could be going through his mind and OMG, this PTSD stuff!!! I cried alot, worried, etc.... and later found he was on a vacation..to Japan....REALLY????).  Now he asks me to continue to be a little more patient with him.  UGGGH!!!!

At the end of last week, I didnt feel like being patient and positive any longer. I was tired of being nice and patient and positive and encouraging.  Not just towards my marine, but towards everyone.  In my morning prayer time, I told God I was tired and that He should chose someone else to be nice, that today I wanted to focus on me and no one else.  I felt a little selfish.  I thought about my problems (challenges  I should say) and began to think to myself.... ( the evil side of me began to say...)   'look girl, no one is worrying about your problems, or helping you with your problems... leave him alone to work out his crap... he's not there for you, you dont have to be patient anymore... tell him to  bug off!' So, during the day, I snapped at him ( via text) and told him he was full of it!    Being the nice guy he is ( and he really is, under that tough marine leather hide) he asked " What's got into you?"  and said " What can I do to help you?" .  I shouted back that there are plenty of things he can do to help me and he always says he cant or wont do them, such as helping me around the house (with man chores.... he doesnt live with me) or hanging out with me (hiking, sports, etc... non moneyspending things) or supporting me at a volunteer event.   Well, honestly I didnt say all that, but I think he knows what I meant.  He responded " OK, I'll go volunteer with you".  I admit I had a little smile inside my heart when he said this.  Then later he vented to me his frustrations and his financial strain. Boy did I feel horrible.  I reverted back to encouraging him.

Later, when I was in my quiet time with God, I thanked him for my lesson.  God reminded me that I was the one whom He intended to use to help others, including my marine. He reminded me that I need to be faithful in Him and continue to help others, encourage them, be patient and love them..... especially my marine.  So I asked God to give me the help, support and encouragement I needed from others, so that I can be filled with love and patience and pour out this love and patience into my marine.   That evenening ended with many of my co-workers and friends expressing their appreciation and encouragement for me.  They appreciated me for the 'support and encouragement' I give to them.  I received hugs and smiles and praise.  I left work that night, full of it... and ready to be there for my dear marine.   The very next day I continued to be appreciative of my dearest man, my marine, whom I love so much.  Oh yes, I also asked him for his forgiveness. I shouldnt have snapped at him. What was his response? Well, he said " I always forgive you". =) ,<3
Semper Fi...

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Isolation - Pre Deployment

As time drew closer to deployment, he drew more distant.  His texts, emails and phone calls became less frequent.  His kind words were exchanged with direct, and often naughty or derrogatory language. For example, he used to start the morning saying "Good morning beautiful.."  and later he might simple text " I want you to s....k my (blank)".  It seemed to me that when he was in firing practice or combat scenario training, he would often get 'charged and text intimate comments and requests.  I had mixed emotions when I received his messages.  On the one hand, I was a turned on and flattered that he thought of me in those instances, but at the same time, I was taken back by some of his direct requests.  I resided to the fact that he must be in a moment of feeling a 'rush' and that I should be supportive and encouraging and be in the moment with him.  In those times, I found myself giving into his requests and yes, having an exchange of "sexting".  The excitement for me was that, wherever he was (I never really knew where that was), he thought of me and we shared an intimate moment, long distance, through text or emails.  I thought of how it must be difficult on his end, to be focused in his training and the training of others and to be away from me ( or a woman) and the warmth of the experience of being with me.
I missed that warmth too.  What kept me from going berserk for lack of intimacy was to imagine how he must feel to be alone and to not have the option of being with someone.  Now I dont know how easy or hard it is for military men to have access to women during their training exercises.  I imagine, they could watch porno, view magazines, or pick up a one night stand, or something like that... maybe.  But I also beleive that a short term fix, or relationship like that doesnt compare to being with your  'steady person', what I like to call "your person". 
Your person knows you and you know him.  He knows your ways and you know his. You are comfortable with one another and know each others moves, likes and wants. I missed him so much when he was away.  And he is ALWAYS away.
He did tell me " Being with a marine is tough"  and I responded, that I can handle it.  He said " I need you to be patient with me" and I said " I will be patient"  He said " I hope to see you" and I said " We will see each other when we can, and make the most of our moments together". He said " When I get near deployment, its normal for me to get distant from the people I love, my family and my friends".  I responded " I know that's how you are, but you can change, you can see me more.." 
Preparing my heart for when he left was so hard and the time alone in between things was difficult to endure.