Growing Impatient

As each day that goes by, I grow more impatient.  Recalling back when I had just met my marine over 3 years ago... You see, we dated for 3 months when he told me " I have bad news... Im going to deploy by the end of the year"  and somewhere along the line, he asked me to be patient with him.  He said that being with a marine was tough and required alot of patience. 

These days, he asks me to continue to be patient with him.  He is challenged with transitioning out of service and he is not able to find work of equivalent stature and pay.  This upsets him and wears on his 'manhood'.  I try my best to encourage him and to remind him of all the wonderful things about him that I love.  Still, he is bothered by his inability to earn a good living and be able to support me or buy me trinkets. As much as I tell him I dont need those things and that what I need most is time with him, in his arms...( sigh) He's not buying it and he keeps himself distant and drinks alot of beer.

Honestly, how much more patient can I be?  I was patient when he was away at predeployment training for weeks or months at a time.  I was patient when he got snowed in for a few weeks and couldnt come home to be with me.  I was patient for 13 months while he was deployed.  13 MONTHS!!!.....13 MONTHS!!!! I was patient when he returned and isolated himself, from me.  I say from me, because I later learned he took a vacation during that time. ( Silly me was fretting over what could be going through his mind and OMG, this PTSD stuff!!! I cried alot, worried, etc.... and later found he was on a vacation..to Japan....REALLY????).  Now he asks me to continue to be a little more patient with him.  UGGGH!!!!

At the end of last week, I didnt feel like being patient and positive any longer. I was tired of being nice and patient and positive and encouraging.  Not just towards my marine, but towards everyone.  In my morning prayer time, I told God I was tired and that He should chose someone else to be nice, that today I wanted to focus on me and no one else.  I felt a little selfish.  I thought about my problems (challenges  I should say) and began to think to myself.... ( the evil side of me began to say...)   'look girl, no one is worrying about your problems, or helping you with your problems... leave him alone to work out his crap... he's not there for you, you dont have to be patient anymore... tell him to  bug off!' So, during the day, I snapped at him ( via text) and told him he was full of it!    Being the nice guy he is ( and he really is, under that tough marine leather hide) he asked " What's got into you?"  and said " What can I do to help you?" .  I shouted back that there are plenty of things he can do to help me and he always says he cant or wont do them, such as helping me around the house (with man chores.... he doesnt live with me) or hanging out with me (hiking, sports, etc... non moneyspending things) or supporting me at a volunteer event.   Well, honestly I didnt say all that, but I think he knows what I meant.  He responded " OK, I'll go volunteer with you".  I admit I had a little smile inside my heart when he said this.  Then later he vented to me his frustrations and his financial strain. Boy did I feel horrible.  I reverted back to encouraging him.

Later, when I was in my quiet time with God, I thanked him for my lesson.  God reminded me that I was the one whom He intended to use to help others, including my marine. He reminded me that I need to be faithful in Him and continue to help others, encourage them, be patient and love them..... especially my marine.  So I asked God to give me the help, support and encouragement I needed from others, so that I can be filled with love and patience and pour out this love and patience into my marine.   That evenening ended with many of my co-workers and friends expressing their appreciation and encouragement for me.  They appreciated me for the 'support and encouragement' I give to them.  I received hugs and smiles and praise.  I left work that night, full of it... and ready to be there for my dear marine.   The very next day I continued to be appreciative of my dearest man, my marine, whom I love so much.  Oh yes, I also asked him for his forgiveness. I shouldnt have snapped at him. What was his response? Well, he said " I always forgive you". =) ,<3
Semper Fi...

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PTSD- We all get it

Somewhere along the line, he shared with me he was diagnosed with PTSD.  Once I heard this, I had to t to understand what it was and what to expect from it.  I immersed myself in books, articles and webinars about it.  Then, I purchased a book called " When War Comes Home" from military ministry.  While reading this book, I began to understand a little about myself and came to realize that I too have have PTSD.  I learned that, with all the scars, hurts and pains that I experienced in life, all the negative experiences had shaped and molded me to the person I was. Those negative experiences that I failed to process in a healthy way had resulted in my ill feelings, in my fears of relationship, in my fears of going out and meeting new people and  my lack of being able to relate to people.  I learned that these repressed negaive memories that I held deep down inside me were the cause of my outward manifestations of showing lack of empathy, of not feeling, of guarding myself against intimacy. 

At the time, I was seeking understanding the truth of what I beleived Spiritually by studying the practice of Thervada Buddism, studying the Vedas and Sutras.  I realized that I was not feeling releif from my depression through the teachings.  Then one day, while reading the Vedas, I read a phrase that said " you seek me(love) and I have always been here, I am at your reach.... you  look and look, but I have always been so close to you".  At that moment, I realized that what I was looking for Truth in the wrong place.  I came to the realization that the only thing that will fill the holes in my lifewas the Word ( the Bible).  I then, put down the Buddist scriptures and stopped attending meditation classes.  Instead, I reverted to focusing on going to church and imersing myself in God's teachings. I remembered that the same stories I read in Sutras, I had read them in the Bible.  The same wisdom. At this, I changed focus and began a journey of self understanding, of getting to know my God intimately and to continue to press into Him.  In part this was done to better understand myself  so that I can prepare myself for understanding my Marine when he comes home from war.
For what I learned from this experience and the understanding and wisdom the past few years brought me, I thank my Marine.  I thank him for allowing me to fall in love with him.  Had he been another man,  I may not have traveled through this spirital path of self understanding and healing.  Had I met someone else and grown to love them, they may have taken up my time.  This time that Iused to spend with myself and with God would have been used spent with the man and his family and I would have never understood why I am the way I am.  I may not have healed from past hurts and those 'sores' ( as they are called in thebook Changes that Heal, by Cloud and Tounsend; or The Four Agreements ) would have manifested themselves in my repeat of past relationship mistakes. 

You see, I grew up with strict parents who lacked empathy.  I didnt learn how to feel, my heart was hard. Sure, I was a go getter and accomplished woman.  Many people saw me as 'Independent and doesnt need a man or anyone'.  On the inside, I felt lonely, I longed for close relationships and I longed to feel loved.  My tendency was to be an enabler.  I knew how to love others and found it hard to request their love in return. This left me empty.  

Why was I this way? Because of how I was raised and because of the things that happened to me.  I realized, while reading about PTSD that fear is what stops us from living and sharing life with others.  Fear, shame, and guilt.  I had past experiences that I was ashamed of, broken hearted, abandoned, unloved, neglected, rejected, harsh words, failures, condemned and many other negative words and feelings.  I had to learn to deal and feel ( How We Love, by Milan and Kay).

I couldnt have stayed in love with my marine, through his readying for deployment, through the absence of him, through his return home... had God not prepared my heart and healed me from all that I experienced.  To love a military man it takes a special person.  It takes someone who cares, someone who loves and supports and someone who doesnt easily give up.  Without God I could not have stayed comitted and patient. Without Him to strengthen me, encourage me, and providing me with the friends and support I need(ed), I could not have done it.   Read on.....