Growing Impatient

As each day that goes by, I grow more impatient.  Recalling back when I had just met my marine over 3 years ago... You see, we dated for 3 months when he told me " I have bad news... Im going to deploy by the end of the year"  and somewhere along the line, he asked me to be patient with him.  He said that being with a marine was tough and required alot of patience. 

These days, he asks me to continue to be patient with him.  He is challenged with transitioning out of service and he is not able to find work of equivalent stature and pay.  This upsets him and wears on his 'manhood'.  I try my best to encourage him and to remind him of all the wonderful things about him that I love.  Still, he is bothered by his inability to earn a good living and be able to support me or buy me trinkets. As much as I tell him I dont need those things and that what I need most is time with him, in his arms...( sigh) He's not buying it and he keeps himself distant and drinks alot of beer.

Honestly, how much more patient can I be?  I was patient when he was away at predeployment training for weeks or months at a time.  I was patient when he got snowed in for a few weeks and couldnt come home to be with me.  I was patient for 13 months while he was deployed.  13 MONTHS!!!.....13 MONTHS!!!! I was patient when he returned and isolated himself, from me.  I say from me, because I later learned he took a vacation during that time. ( Silly me was fretting over what could be going through his mind and OMG, this PTSD stuff!!! I cried alot, worried, etc.... and later found he was on a vacation..to Japan....REALLY????).  Now he asks me to continue to be a little more patient with him.  UGGGH!!!!

At the end of last week, I didnt feel like being patient and positive any longer. I was tired of being nice and patient and positive and encouraging.  Not just towards my marine, but towards everyone.  In my morning prayer time, I told God I was tired and that He should chose someone else to be nice, that today I wanted to focus on me and no one else.  I felt a little selfish.  I thought about my problems (challenges  I should say) and began to think to myself.... ( the evil side of me began to say...)   'look girl, no one is worrying about your problems, or helping you with your problems... leave him alone to work out his crap... he's not there for you, you dont have to be patient anymore... tell him to  bug off!' So, during the day, I snapped at him ( via text) and told him he was full of it!    Being the nice guy he is ( and he really is, under that tough marine leather hide) he asked " What's got into you?"  and said " What can I do to help you?" .  I shouted back that there are plenty of things he can do to help me and he always says he cant or wont do them, such as helping me around the house (with man chores.... he doesnt live with me) or hanging out with me (hiking, sports, etc... non moneyspending things) or supporting me at a volunteer event.   Well, honestly I didnt say all that, but I think he knows what I meant.  He responded " OK, I'll go volunteer with you".  I admit I had a little smile inside my heart when he said this.  Then later he vented to me his frustrations and his financial strain. Boy did I feel horrible.  I reverted back to encouraging him.

Later, when I was in my quiet time with God, I thanked him for my lesson.  God reminded me that I was the one whom He intended to use to help others, including my marine. He reminded me that I need to be faithful in Him and continue to help others, encourage them, be patient and love them..... especially my marine.  So I asked God to give me the help, support and encouragement I needed from others, so that I can be filled with love and patience and pour out this love and patience into my marine.   That evenening ended with many of my co-workers and friends expressing their appreciation and encouragement for me.  They appreciated me for the 'support and encouragement' I give to them.  I received hugs and smiles and praise.  I left work that night, full of it... and ready to be there for my dear marine.   The very next day I continued to be appreciative of my dearest man, my marine, whom I love so much.  Oh yes, I also asked him for his forgiveness. I shouldnt have snapped at him. What was his response? Well, he said " I always forgive you". =) ,<3
Semper Fi...

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Snips and Snaps

Today's complaint is that I dont listen very well. My marine has been home for some time now ( His home) and he has been looking for work.  To his disappointment he is not finding valuable employment at a decent pay.  During his wait time, he has had a couple interviews.  He voices his frustration with out civilian hiring processes and interviews.  He gets annoyed after each interview and finds himself upset when he doesnt get the job.  I think the challenge is that us civilians arent as good listeners and communicators as military personnel and so, we find in the interview process that we dont hear him correctly and we misunderstand his answers.  We jump to conclusions and judgements quickly.  For example, he interviewed and the interviewer asked him what his 5 year plan was.  He walked her through the factors that drove him to obtain a degree in a field of study he is not interested in (family pressure) and how the military saw something in himn and developed him (as a trainer) and he excelled there.  He shared that he had always been interested in History and that if he could go back, he would have gotten education in that field.  He shared that he liked to teach.  What the employer heard was " I want to be a teacher of history" and so she chose not to go with him as a candidate.  This response angered him and he got fed up with our selection processes.  I tried to encourage him and told him that we civilian (humans) make alot of mistakes and overlook very good people. I tried to urge him not to take it personal.  He does, take it person.  Understandably so, he has risked his life, trained many people, and saved many people in the years he has been in the service.  On days when I sat picking my nose, or playing with my belly button, he crawled under barbed wire, through enemy lines.  On days that I pouted because I didnt have enough money to buy matching earings for my new dress or  because they ran out of my favorite icrecream flavor at the store, he was trying to talk sense to a young marine who was "losing it in Combat'.  I think most of us forget that, or put it out of our minds, how much our military men have endured.  Here Iam worrying about why he hasnt emailed me or texted me and he is probably dodging bullets or doing something, somewhere, he can never talk about to anyone.
Sure, so I try to tell him to be patient and to press on, and I get hurt when he snaps at me, raises his voice and tells me he is irritated, that our civilian ways are stupid ( he doesnt use those words).
He says he wants to work so he can feel comfortable 'bringing me on board'.  Im so silly, I ask " On Board to what?"  I tried to assure him that I dont need things, flowers, gifts and chocolates, and that all I want is time with him so we can do things together.  He is not hearing any of it, he simply says " Thats why I need to work, so I can spend time with you and we can do things". 
He raised his voice at me today when I asked him if he would volunteer with me.  He says " Ive volunteered enough, Im not doing free work anymore... Ive helped enough people... all those people I saved!... You dont listen to me, I said I dont want to volunteer or work for free.  You never listen well... ( and he went on and on and on)".  I was very upset when we ended the call.  I felt like telling him to "F-k off!"  I felt like throwing in the towel.  So I asked God to help me, to calm me and to help me to be loving.  I then texted him to please forgive me for upsetting him and for not listening well.  I told him he is right, that I volunteer too much and need to focus on my needs more.  Shortly thereafter, he appologized for snapping at me.  He always does, appologize (quickly). He doesnt cuss at me or tell me anything offensive (personally).  I like that about him.   I looked at the time and it was lunchtime and it was very hot outside.  I accepted his appology and told him I understand his frustration, its very hot and he is probably hungry since it is almost lunchtime ( men get grumpy when they dont eat, its nothing personal).