Thursday, May 30, 2013

Only In My Dreams Marine

Last night I dreampt a beautiful dream.

I dreampt I was at home awaiting to attend to a gathering, a barbeque of some sorts.  At the same time, I was called to attend to some work.  I dont recall exactly what the work was, however, I do recall that one of my guests was my marine. 
I heard a loud sound in the front yard.  The sound was that of a loud motorcycle.  I rushed to the window to catch a glimpse of my marine pulling into the yard on his motorcycle.  I rushed out of the doorway to greet him and to ask him to keep the throttle noise down so as not to offend my guests.  At the gathering were some family member, friends and my parents.  My dad was there and he glanced at the noice in the front yard and his bushy eyebrows frowned. 

I invited my marine into the yard and he was accompanied by a few friends.  I sat them at the table, then attended to my work.  I tried to rush through work so that I could spend time mingling with my family, friends and yes! my marine.  Unfortunately, by the time I finished work, my marine and his friends had finished their 6 pack of beer and eating.  They left.  I ran out to see him off and viewed his motorcycle riding off into the hills.  I thought for a moment, Im glad my family received him.  My mom likes him.  Then I thought, too bad I didnt have more beer so they could stay-- but then again, they can bring their own beer and enjoy coming out to see me and enjoying my company.

Then my eyes turned to the ceiling.  I lived in a large tent and an evil being had placed a cord with a hook into my ceiling.  The arrow at the end of the cord missed me and I grabbed it and pushed it back through the hole in my ceiling.  I looked out the window and thought, boy I wish my marine had stayed to protect me from the evil being who is trying to kill me through my roof.   My marine had left and I couldnt locate him by phone.  I thought, I was not worried.  If a being wants to kill me and overpowers me, so be it.  Why fight it, all I can do is do my best and if I die, oh well.

I then rested in the moment of bliss having enjoyed having my marine and his friends intermingle with my parents, family and friends.  I was happy.  Then I awoke.

Need I mention that my dad has been dead for years.  Its nice that I am reminded of him in my dreams.

Pleasant Dreams.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Something About That Marine

The other day, while in my therapy session, I began to share about my marine.  I have been working with a therapist for 3 visits now.  She is helping me release the "block" and "fear of closeness" that I have that hinders me from having a great relationship.  This fear of pain or pain avoidance that I hold deep inside of my emotions is to blame for my longing for my marine and for 'that thing' that draws me to him... yes, even though he pulls away.

What I have learned over time, in all that I read and all that I explore about myself, that I am much like my marine.  You see, people attract others who are as healthy as them.  Have you ever wondered, why is she with him? Why does he like her?  and we find, sometimes that one of 'them' tells these crazy outrageous stories about their partner.  We wonder, why does she put up with him? He is crazy?  Right? Have you ever asked yourself that question?.  The answer is found in this simple saying.  People attract others that are like them and people attract others who are as healthy as them. 

Simply put, those people who have an imbalance and need someone to take care of ( enablers/co-dependents) find someone to fill that need ( addicts and assholes).  In those cases, we think "opposites attract", but the truth is, they are the same.  They are both imbalanced. I have had my share of imbalanced relationships and I have worked hard the past 4 years to improve my emotional state, financial state, self- confidence, etc. etc.  

I was attracted to my marine because I didnt want to commit. I feared it.  Being with someone who is always gone and non committal satisfied my need.  I knew, deep down that persuing a non committal marine was safe.  He would not commit before I did and so, I would emerge the hero.  He would be the bad guy. 

Now, I am opening myself up for a healthy relationship.  Boy is it tough.  I have tried and now I have returned to eharmony.  I am selective and anticipate the person I am with will be selective as well.  For me, my time is valuable so I dont want to spend it on someone who doesnt fit what I need.  A good strong relationship is something to grow into over time, so I need someone who will put in the time.

There I was, on the couch, talking to my therapist.  Today we talked about my excessive sugar eating and my bindges.  She then said that sometimes we look for comfort in food, for what we lack in our personal lives, be it love, affection, companionship.   I thought for a moment and suddenly I cried.  I told her, I don't know why I am crying, I suppose this needs to come out. 

Then, I shared a bit about my marine and what it was about him that I was attracted to.  I said " You know, I dated a man the other day and found him pleasant, however, there is nothing about him that draws me to him.  There is nothing about him that makes me think " I want that!".  I think it is important for me to have my partner ( my person) be someone who I admire.  I dont want someone I need to help.  I have had that before and I dont want it.  I want someone that I can see traits and behaviors in them and say, "I like that, I admire it, I want to be like that, someone who I can learn from"." 

My marine is a great communicator ( when he is with me... when he is away, he doesn't communicate).  He tells stories and speaks truth, from his heart.  He talks about his feelings and thoughts.  He is organized.  He always polished.  His grooming, nails, hair, etc. is impeccable.  He takes great care of his belongings.  His car is always clean.  His room is always tidy.   When he visits, he knows exactly where everything is.  He hangs his towel to dry after he uses it.  He doesnt leave it on the floor and he doesnt make a mess.  He washes his own plate.  He helps me cook and he is almost always polite and courteous.  He has never called me a rude name or said anything negative about me. He sits up straight and stands proud.   I love these things about him.  Being around him has helped me to be more organized and tidy.  I have learned to communicate better, to talk about my feelings and explain clearly.   I hope that my next person helps me grow as well.  I want to grow in closeness and learn how to have proper disagreements and when to stand down.  I want to learn how to deal positively with family members and to rely on someone, my person.

This marine, doesnt look like he is the one to do that.  He is always running off to some faraway place to work and he vacilates between closeness and isolation.  I'll keep trying.  At least now, I have a good foundation of what to look for, that 'something'.

Saturday, May 18, 2013


Today my girlfriend recommends to me to make a list.  I have made lists and plans before, for work, career, and life goals.  I had gone so far as to see a life coach.  He also recommended that I create a list.  He recommended for me to envision the life I want, complete, then to create a plan for me, to help complete the  items on the list and create the life I want, inclusive of a boyfriend.

I always make a life plan for year after year acheivements.  However, each time, when I get to the part of adding my boyfriend, I get stuck.  I think, this is silly.  I toggle between the idea of writing this boyfriend into my plan.  I am not certain whether if I create this ideal man, whether he would exist.  Worst, ihe exists, would he want me?
Most of the time, I dont include this ficticious boyfriend in my final plans.   Part of the reason I do this is because I know I can control me, and what I do; I cannot control someone else.
And so, here I am.  My marine, though out of the service, continues to engulf himself in work, so as to avoid a committed relationship.  I am, four yearsolder and wiser.  I started dating and find that dating as an adult is very different from dating as a your woman.
After attending to a few coffee dates and finding that the men wanted to kiss me and grope me too soon.  I am at a point that I am discouraged.  I dont want to date.  Although, at the same time, I dont want to close myself off.  I cant wait any longer for this marine to ground himself.  So, I date.  I continue  to date and offer my energy to the universe.  I put myself out there.
At the same time, I continue to enjoy the life I created.  A home, family, close friends, financial secureness, retirement planning.  I travel, I teach, I live.  I think, just for fun, I will create my list.
This future man, who will come to me, will be handsome, fit, take great care of himself, not give in to excessive drink or food.  He  will enjoy the outdoors and love to travel. He will want to spend time with friends, barbequing at home, sight seeing, or just sitting in the park or riing at the beach, holding my hand, spending time with me.  He will respect my faith and attend church with me from time to time.  He will be encouraging and listen to my day, listen to my heart, and he will enjoy spending time doing things with me.  He will beaccomplished.  He will have aheart for  service to others.  He will be patient with me. He will be ready for relationship, welcoming to come into my wonderful world and I will come into his.

That is my list. I am sticking to it.