Letting People In

Ive always considered myself a home body, though others see me as 'always being out and about'.  The truth is, I am a home body.  This time that my marine is away, I have asked God to give me good people in my life to help me does, to do  the activities that I like to do.  Yes, I had caught myself looking to connect with people in the things they like to do and feeling unfullfilled when those friends dont reciprocate.

For example, earlier in the year I agreed to accompany a friend on a 50 mile bike trip.  I was uncomfortable with the sleeping arragements and accomodations and not knowing exactly where we were going, etc.  I suffered through it because I wanted to learn how to not be in control of the arrangements and to just sit back and enjoy.  Then it came my turn,I wanted to run in Sonoma Wine Country.  This friend backed out on me. I was disappointed and have since distanced myself from this friend.  Sure, I did confront her about the decision and let her know that I was disappointed in her.  She did not appologize (which is what I was looking for). 
Some of the things I like to do are cook, play tennis, golf,run, hike, theatre, movies, read, dine and...  Well, thats a good start.  After praying for God to send me the right people.  Since most people presume I am always buzy, I had to tell them that I spend alot of time at home alone and that I need someone to hang out with.  I tell them that when my marine is away, I feel lonely and need company.  If  people dont know these things, they wont know how to help me.  So, thereafter, I was reaquainted with an old friend and his wife.  She is a great cook and we all plan to go hiking soon.  Then I engaged my other girlfriend to take salsa lessons with me weekly.  I had three lunch dates last week and my neighbor is my new walking/running partner and soon to be biking buddy.  Frankly, with all this new activity... I dont have room for my marine. jejejeje! just kidding. 
My marine?  oh, he called the other night, but unfortunately I had my ringer off.  I tried to get back to him to no avail.  I havent emailed him any happenings all weekend.  I think I will strive for another two weeks with no emails and see if he gets off his rock and decides to call or email me.

Tips for a Successful Relationship

How do you have a successful relationship?  I have read many, many books on this subject to prepare for my relationship with my marine.  In anticipation of his return from afghanistan, I began to read some of the greats: Love and Respect, 5 Love Languages, How we Love, Boundaries, Men are Waffles Women are Spaghetti, Communication books, Necesary Endings, and the list goes on and on. 
My best examples of successful relationships are what I observe from my mom (married for life), my sister (married 20 years), my sister in-law( married 18 years), my friend (married 21 years), and my girlfriend (married 17 years). I have many single, professional girlfriends.  They offer their advice. But I prefer the relationship advice of someone who is successfully IN a relationship over someone who is successfully single anyday.
Mom was passive in public.  She allowed my dad to call the shots and her role was to support his decision.  When she her opinion differed, she would argue in private.  My dad was not perfect, by no means.  Irregardless she forgave his stubborness and harshness and was patient with him. In the early years of their marriage my dad was away for extended periods of time.  He did missionary work.  Mom tended the fort and we never went without.
My sister, runs her home.  She takes care of just about everything relational.  She is a superwoman soccer mom.  Her husband is the planner and takes care of the major finances, although she carries her own weight.  I think she earns a little more than he does, but when it comes to decisions she usually says "Let me talk it over with my husband".  Even when her husband is difficult, she is accomodating and compesates for him. They both live very buzy lives.  He is gone on educational trips and spent a few months out of state on an educational trip.  She tended the home and the kids life did not skip a beat.
My sister in law has her own career and manages the artistic appearance of the home and organizes the bulk of their social life.  My brother, her husband, spent months away doing research and to date he works out of state.  She is used to time alone and she sees the positives in that they value their together time more and get to recharge when they are away from each other.  Sometimes he talks over her and disregards her feelings.  She silences herself and lets him have his moment to speak and control the conversations.  She tidy's up after him and thinks the world of him.  He is brilliant, by the way.
My friend's wife is amazing.  She is a prayer warrior and for 17 years of their marriage she spent time on her knees praying for her husband.  Now he is a model family man and avid churchgoer.  He thanks her  for her prayers and her unconditional love for him.  She was patient when he was rambunctious.
My girlfriend is a balzy SOB.  She is always happy and joking.  Her husband lets her be herself and they have open candid conversations.  They tell each other everything and when they have time off, they love to spend it with each other.  She runs all decisions by him and verifies her calendar with him to ensure she doesnt book friend time in lieu of hubby time.  They both work alot.
The common theme among all these women is this.  They all have to spend significant time away from their person.  They all love their person very much and respect him. By respect, I mean, they partner with him on decisions, they are sure not to disrespect his position or his time.  They value what he thinks and who he is. They are patient with him and support his decision and his ways. None of these women are weak.  Most likely they can stand on their own.  In their case, they chose to submit to the will of their husbands and rest in a role of support and encouragement to them.   Their examples are better than any book.

Battle Scars

Still missing my sweetheart.  I will continue to miss him daily for the next 3 months.  Nonetheless, I went to visit a co-worker for lunch.  This co-worker happened to have been raised by a Marine, Special Forces. 

On our way to lunch, I shared with him a story of my childhood, of when I was little my dad moved us from a Hispanic neighborhood riddled with Cholos (aka gangsters) to a middle class, white neighborhood.  Being the only 'Mexicans' on the block we were succumbed to ridicule and discrimination.  I and my siblings would hear racial slurs and comments such as being called ‘ tacos’ and ‘beaners’.  My co-worker related and said he was called “Kung Pao Chicken”, by one of our customers.  As if that wasn't bad enough, the kids in the neighborhood had these full lives with their families that we didn’t.  By saying, full lives, I mean to say that they would have conversations with their parents and real vacations.  Their dads would come home from work and ask them about their happenings and their feelings.  Their dad would hug them, and be genuinely interested in what happened during their day.  Their dads would remember their birthdays, holidays and school events. They would take vacations to Hawaii; the Colorado River... their grandma's would pass and leave them inheritance. 


My life was quite different.  My dad came home and barked orders “pick up your socks!" “Turn off the TV", " Eat your vegetables".  My dad didn’t express that he care about our feelings.  He would say things like “Don’t baby yourself" “You want to cry? Go to your room".  My dad worked a lot and was not present for many of my memorable experiences, such as school plays, parent teacher night, graduations.... yes, even my college graduation. He was always working. Our vacations consisted on visiting our relatives in Mexico ( wooptydoo!).


My co-worker then shared with me that he could relate.  His dad was stern and showed no emotion.  His dad's dad passed and he did not shed a tear.  I recalled that when my dad dies, I didn’t share a tear either.  I went back to work afterward. I didn’t grieve my dad's death until over 10 years later when I was in a HOW WE LOVE seminar.
 
My co-worker went on to say that his dad said "Son, there are three times a man cries; when he is born, when his first son is born, and when he is about to die".  He shared that growing up in America was a challenge.  His parents didn’t speak much English and he had difficulty in school at an early age.  He said when then teachers counseled him with his parents, they just smiled in agreement without understanding a word that was said.  When he was 18 years old, his father told him that he would pay for the first tuition of his school, thereafter he was on his own.  At that age, he moved out and found a job.  I was impressed by his story, relating to it in some ways.  Especially the part where he said " My dad always wanted us to do better than him".  My dad said that to me often. My dad wasn’t a marine, he was just a hard ---s.

Finally, he shared, that he would see his dad with his shirt off and see scars and wounds of battle.  His dad would never talk about what he did in Special Forces.  He never shared the stories of the things he's seen.  “ My dad is the toughest man alive”, he said.  I then asked a retorical question “ Does that make you tough? to not share emotion and to hold it all in?.”   He shrugged his shoulders and said “ I dunno, Im a crybaby.  Im not like my dad at all”.
He then asked how was my marine.  I had shared a photo of my marine with him on a previous occasion.   I got to share with him that my marine was away, for a while.  Amazingly, he understood. 

The Things We Do For Money

My marine shared with me that he is in a place that is hot and sticky.  By the end of the day, with his bullet proof vest on, he is drenched with sweat!  He works long hours and doesn’t get much sleep.
I know he said he is going to make alot of money on this assignment.  That is something that is important to him.  I think, if you do the math, he will probably make a little over minimum wage.  If you compare the value of his life to me (priceless) then they are grossly underpaying him. 
However, I know that he is doing something that he loves and knows how to do.  He is doing something that makes him feel good about himself.  As much as I tell him that I don’t need his money and I don’t need him to risk his life... he needs it.  My role in this is to understand and to love him for who he is and how he is. 
I try not to think about his conditions too much.  I do, from time to time worry that  My poor baby is working such long hours, he is tired, and I wonder if he has eaten? I wonder if he needs me to rub his feet... they are probably tired and sore from walking and standing 12-16 hours.  I wish, in a way, I could shelter him from all the bad people who are trying to harm him.  I would punch them! How dare they shoot at him! I also think about how he must feel with eminent fear of getting shot. He tells me he is not afraid, of course not.. He is a Marine after all.
He assures me not to worry about his safety.  He says he has a good partner. 

Daily, I say my prayers for him.  My prayer for him has been for my God to send a legion of angels to fight with him and that His angels’ wings cover and protect him.  I pray that he finds favor where he is and that everyone treats him well.  I pray that my God change the hearts and minds of those around him so that his success can unfold easily in his path.  I pray the Holy Spirit guide his every step, to keep him in a safe and good path, to march him into victory.  I pray that all negative spirits, thoughts, people, and things stay far from him.  I stand against any negative forces and any enemies that come against him.  I thank the Lord for his everlasting love and thank the Lord for pouring his love out over my marine and his team. I thank the Lord for giving my marine this experience and bringing him home safely.  I thank the Lord for protecting him and keeping him from harm, and also for giving him a little fun while he is away. to allow him to enjoy the people, the culture, the environment and the experience.  I rest on the promise that God gives me that if I delight in him; he will give me the desires of my heart.  This is what my heart desires... that God extend his grace and love that he has for me... onto my marine.  In Jesus name, I speak prosperity, love, and wellbeing into my marine's life and I trust He will deliver this.   AMEN =)

Making the Best of Time Away

Here we go again.  I have had three days of sulking and missing him.  I haven’t figured out why I feel this way.  The closest logical reason is that I love him and I feel the distance.  I know he will be ok.  I know he will come back. In the distant negative ideas lurking way in the back of my head there is that notion of ... “maybe he'll meet a little Asian girl there and fall in love".  I know that is not a healthy idea, I shake that idea off.  If he were to find love out there, I am happy for him. He deserves it.  We all deserve to find that feeling of love.  
The delay in hearing from him is deafening. It’s not uncommon for him to take a week or two to connect with me.  He needs time to arrive and get situated, connected to the internet... his computer might have gotten lost or damaged in transit.  Things and conditions may have changed and he can’t call me. During this time I try to stay buzy, get my emotions straight and keep a positive and optimistic attitude.
I understand, the work he does is challenging and his focus needs to be on his work and saving his life, not on whether I need him to call me so that I can tell him about the silly things that happen during my day. 
The day before yesterday I sulked when I got home from work.  Going to an Asian fruit store made me feel better.  My marine is Asian.  Yesterday, I went to lunch at a Thai restaurant.  That made me feels better.  Today, I am meeting his cousin for lunch.  I don’t know her that well but I plan to get to know her better.  I think it will help me get to know him.
Some say, why deal with this? why not just find a guy at home, with a regular life, to spend time with you, blah,blah,blah. I say, in my head, who wants that? That's boring? Something about this man attracts me.  Something about him makes me want to understand him better. Besides, there are no boys at home who are expressing interest for the moment.
So during this time away, I am redirecting my focus inward, at things I need to get done.  I need to do home repairs, career stuff, exercise and I am trying this new life style of "gluten free living".  I'll let you know how it goes.  I’m interested to hear what others do during time away?

This Time is Different

Separation is always been difficult for me.  This time, it was different.  In the past,my marine would isolate before deploying and he would not see me or call a few days before he leaves. I have yet to see him off on his trips. His parents do that for him.  They take him to the airport or base and I am left on the outside, at home.  It sucks, I know but he doesnt want me there.

This time, he called me and we spoke during the last day.He called to see how my weekend went and how my workday was flowing.  When he did, I spouted out all this craziness that I am dealing with right now, financially and at work.  He listened, empathized,listened.  I continued to speak for a while.  He listened, then he said " Are you sad because I am leaving?"  and I told him the truth.  " yes".  It is not that I am afraid he will not be ok or not return.  I know he will be fine and he will come back.  He always comes back.
I told him, I just dont like him being away.
He assured me that he will be fine and that we can communicate via email. He said I can tell him my problems or happy occurrences and he will respond when he can,daily if he could.
He is always so good at listening to me (babble) and settling my spirit when it gets stirred.

I will miss this man.

Here We Go Again- Separation Anxiety

I am happy to report that our relationship is taking a turn in the positive direction.  We spend more time together, have more sex (that's always good right?) and through that experience we get to know one anothers "ways".  He invited me to his house and gave me a tour.  I smiled inside as I saw many similarities between he and my dad. 
I love my dad.  Though I didnt always feel that way, I admit.  My perception of my dad was that he was touch, non affectionate and I didnt really know him.  My dad had tons of fruit trees around the house.  Figs, peaches, apples, avocados, lemons, plums, and guava.  So did my marine.  He has persimons, pomegranates, etc.  He gave me a bunch of peaches during my stay.  I made peach cobbler the next day from the peaches... yum, yum!
The last time I was over he showed me his town and told me that I need to know my way around his town.  He knows his way around my town.  He showed me where the store is, and the best hole in the wall restaurants.  Then.. dun... dun dun...
He asked my opinion about a decision he is contemplating.  The decision was ( probably already made) he just wanted to know what I thought, I beleive.  He is taking a security job oversees and he will risk his life at the exchange for alot of money and a potential career opportunity..... oversees.  
Lord, please help me.   So,I deliberated with him and helped him think through it.  I beleive he will go.   It didnt hit me until I was at work later.  I thought, having slept on it that I had my response to him.  Then, I called a friend.  I told her what I was thinking and then I broke.  Yup, I cried.  I dont want him to go.  I dont want him to risk his life.  I am reminded, by my friend that that is who he is.  He is a man and he has ingrained in him, a desire to protect and care for.  I am sure that he wants to be able to take care of me and his parents and he sees this as an opportunity to get money (that necesary evil) to do just that.   Last night, I tried my best to reason with him and to let him knwo that "we" can save to travel, that he had other long term options for investments, etc. 
He shared with me that when he dropped his parents off at the airport he saw a ferrari and his dad commented " I know you want one son, and I know you will get one one day".   With that, he made his resolve to make money as quickly as possible.  So, yes, I beleive he will go.    I dont want him to go.
I called him later today to give him my answer.  I told him I care for him and I dont want him to put himself in harms way.  I told him that for me, his life is priceless and I would be distraught without him, should anything happen to him.  However, I did tell him that the decision is his.  If he decides to stay, finish school, work his PT job ( at a severe cut from military pay), that I would support him through it. ( Not financiall, I meant emotionally and he knows that).  But, if he wants to go, and do what he knows to do and risk his life for this opportunity.  If he beleives in the cause and feels that he will risk it, then, I will do my best to support him through the next several months while he is away.   (  this means I spend the holidays ALONE!!!!!! CRAP!!!!!). My heart is so heavy today.  I played praise and worship music on the way home and cried when I got to my driveway. I dont want him to be gone from me again.  I dont want him to go. I would be happy to lay in bed in his arms and eat canned tuna the rest of my days.  I dont want him to go!

Dealing with the Distance

What I always found a challenge with my marine was the distance apart.  In distance, I not only mean physical distance when he is deployed somewhere in a far off country or place, but also physically when he is up close.  My marine does not show alot of PDA and he is not affectionate. 
Some of my friends happen to have partners that are more accessible. They have regular jobs and are available to spend alot of time with them.  In my past relationships I was able to enjoy alot of face time with my partner.  Granted,my partner was an beta male and didnt work half the time.  This is why he was available to hang out with me.  My best advisor, good old mom, told me once ( about my marine) " you want a man who is accomplished you need to understand that he will be buzy at work and doing his things so he wont have alot of time with you... but if you want the other kind of man, a lazy one... he will have plenty of time.. and you dont want that right?"  Although she imparted very wise wisdom, I still had a hard time with his being away from me.
Somewhere along the line, I felt he was an avoider and I questioned why I would want to persue someone who doesnt have or make time for me.  I pursued nonetheless,and someone told me "you seek closeness with this man who is unavailable because you seek the relationship you never had with your father".  Those words resonated in me.  I gave alot of thought to the question ' why wait and whine and pine over this one... that's right, I never knew my dad, I never had a relationship with him'.
My dad was not a military man,though he served a few years in his younger years in the military, as was customary for people in his country.  Growing up, there were too many kids competing for Dad's attention.  Dad spent most of his time at work, at school, at a part time weekend job, in ministry and the remaining time, from what I remembered was that he slept.  I remembered growing up thinking that my dad didnt make time for me.  He didnt attend my school events, my recognition ceremonies.  He didnt even attend my graduation from high school or college. He was buzy working.  At the time, I thought he was insensitive and inconsiderate. Now I see that he was showing his love for me by working to provide for me.  Poor guy had a low paying job and so many mouths to feed. When he was done working, he would work some more and learn some more.  He would get home so tired and frustrated he would bark orders at us then go to sleep.  I see that now, but at the time,when I was little, I thought 'Gosh, Dad is home... better make sure we arent breaking the rules... he will spank us!... eeek! no hugs and kisses, just do this, do that!' So it makes sense that growing up, I pursue a man who doesnt show alot of affection.  It makes sense that I am needy.  I never thought that I felt the love of my father, that he was proud of me or that he cared for me much.  I never knew him.  
Now as I am older and spent the past few years reflecting on my past hurts and why I am the way I am, I also learned that my dad did love me.  He worked and worked to provide for me.  He was protective over me which resulted in his strictness. He was tired from the day and didnt have much flowery words to give me. He wasjust tired. 
Similarily, my marine,pre-deployment was very buzy with his training and checklists and assessments.  His days were filled with stress.  He didnt have a regular job where if he overlooked something or did it half assed a widgett would be made wrong or shipped to the wrong place.  No, if he did something wrong, someone could lose their life. After a long day,he doesnt have time or energy for a lot of fluff and flowery things, let along to tend to my neediness. I understand where he is coming from and I needed to be sure that I got my love from elsewhere, friends and family, so that there is not such a burden on him to fullfill every need I had.  Now, when I talk about love here,it is not sexual. Its love as in, attention, time,things, and acts of service. 
It helped that I reconciled my feelings about my dad so that I can continue to love my marine without resentment. 
In my last bout of lonliness and longing for my person ( my marine), I told him about how I felt.  He assured me that now that he is transitioning out of service, things will get better.  I also told my mom that I really like this man and that sometimes I feel alone.  My mom said " even though there is a distance apart, the love we have for others and the love they have for us, its still there..." Then she confirmed the feelings I had in Faith about knowing that despite my fears of the future, God is with me.
Since my talk with my marine, he is making efforts to connect with me more.  He lives far from me and he is buzy with work and school now,but he is making efforts to talk more and see me more and to be part of my life. This relationship with him is teaching me alot about, Faith, patience,understanding, sharing my heart, and communicating my needs.  I love it!

Boot Camp- Listening

One of my earliest memories of my marine was the first time I went for a weekend visit.  He called me out to stay with him overnight at camp pendleton.  He was staying a  place called "Sharkys" and he gave me instructions as to how to get there.   At that time, I wasnt as good a listener as I have learned to be now.  I know that I frustrated him by cutting him off while he was giving me instructions over the phone as to how to arrive.  He stopped me, when I cut him off and he told me to be quite and to listen. I had never been "ordered around" like that and his voice commanded may attention.  He is normally soft spoken and has a mild tone, though when he needs me to listen, his voice fills with authority ( rour!).  I tried to listen and I thought I got the instructions right.  I was wrong.  I ended upon base, but near the shore.  I had to call him out to come get me and lead me to where he was.  I was about to get my first lesson in the care and feeding of a marine.. boot camp.  Lesson 1,Listen and Read the Signs.
In the marines, he is an instructor.. and a very good one.  He told me to follow him as he drove ahead of me. I had him on speaker phone and, oh yes, I had to turn off my radio and keep my mouth shut. ( This was somewhat of a challenge for me). He drove me from where I was to where I should have started to follow his instructions.  Yes, from the beginning.  When you enter Camp P through the main gait you make a left, over the bridge, follow the road as it winds to to the right, then make a left.  There, there is a fork in the road ( where I got lost, I took a right) and that is where you make a left.  There is a fire hourse there.   
I have not been to camp P in 2 years and yet, I remember the instructions.  Why? you ask?  Well, it's because he ran me through a drill repetitively from that point in the road ( the fork) to Sharky's at least 3-4 times.
The next day, he came to pick me up during his lunch break.  I have to admit, I was eagerly awaiting him back in the room.  ( I had never felt like doing that for ANYBODY before... I would not spend all morning beautifying myself for NO MAN! who does that?.. LOL... I did... for this marine). I waited for him to come home for lunch and yes, I ran down to the local coffee shop and pick him up a yogurt and a sandwich so that when he comes home for lunch (to the room) he can fill his tummy ... and have time for a few other things. Then, I waited.. with my high heels on. 
He called me and just said " Where are you? come out.. I dont have alot of time".  I kicked my heals and ran to the front to join him.  He then toured me around the area and described everything to me.  He told me to read the signs because they would describe where I was and what the buildings were.  He drove me to a housing unit and told me that if he were to live on base, they would give him one of those houses.   I asked him why he was showing me this and he responded " If you are ever here, when I am not here, I dont want you to get lost, I want you to know your way around here".   Such a thoughtful guy... and boy did I read into that sentence!!!!    
I  fascinated myself with how girlish I felt around him, how safe.  I was shocked that I actually felt like I should just get pretty for him and be on his arm.  I surprised myself by how eager I was to see him and simple be with him. When he got up for work and meticulously donned his cloths, I clung to him. I surprised myself as i have never, ever done that before for anyone. It was a great feeling!  I was on air.

First Care Packages

My marine is the first military guy I dated in my whole life.  Although I have family that were in the service, I had never before experienced (felt) the separation anxiety of deployment and fear of possibly loss that comes from loving someone who has gone to combat. I was inexperienced in sending mail, let alone a care package. 
My marine gave me his parents address beforehand.  After three months of his deployment, I hadnt received word from him of his APO address.  I took a chance in sending a package to his mom at the address he gave me.  I also supplied a note for her to please prepare the care package since I did not know how to wrap; a bottle of Jameson, a magazine, chocolates and a letter. 
I had never bough 'magazines' before so I trecked to Barnes and Noble bookstore.  I scoured the stands to find the smuttiest, naughtiest magazines I could.  I was looking for playboy, hustler or something of that nature.  What I found was that they did not sell those magazines.  I settled on some type of FMS, MAXIM or something like that, I don't remember the name.  What I remembered was there were many black sexy women in the magazine.  Timidly, I made my purchase, wrapped them in a black plastic bag ( couldn't let his mom see them, right?) and I sent them within the box of goodies to my Marines mom's house.
Finally I heard from my marine.  He emailed me his address, then asked that I not send anything to his home address. Then, when I asked him what I should send him in his next care package he responded " porno magazines... lots of them ( later I found it was for him AND his guys.. come on he's not that much of a fanatic, lol) and a disclaimer " don't send black chicks... or fat chicks with floppy boobs".  
On my next mission, I went to the treasure chest in Hollywood.  I thought that I was sure to find what he needed from there. Although getting him some smutty magazines and liquor wore against my own Faith, I reconciled my purchasing decisions on the fact that my marine is out there risking life and limb.. he deserves a little fun and alcohol.  While at this specialty store I found so many amazing things like candied boob rings, naughty playing cards, and yes... can you believe it? a nude magazine of FAT CHICKS WITH FLOPPY BOOPS!  It was hilarious!  I couldn't resist getting this for him.  I sent him some regular ones too. 
To this date, I never really heard the story of what happened when he opened this care package.  It must have been hilarious. 
He called me one day from a satellite phone.  Oh gosh! I was on air when he called. He said he received the package and that it made it day.  I asked him if he shared the items with his marines and he said, "negative".  I asked him if he played cards with them.  He said " No... they don't want to play with me, I don't need to share them".  (Hehehehe).   I love my guy!!!

Finally,He Made It!

After much patience, my marine stopped by for a visit. I understand the sacrifice.He lives a good 50miles away from me. In anticipation of his arrival I picked up some antipasto olives and made sure I had some beers in the refrigerator. He loves that kind of stuff. 

The day(s) of waiting for him patiently did not look like fluffy calm clouds of happiness. No, the past few days have been tumultuous emotionally.  I have been battling in my head thoughts that ' I should have a boyfriend who lives closer', 'I should have a boyfriend who is able to help me with man things around the house', 'I should have a boyfriend who comes to see me more often'. ' I should give up on this marine,he's too much trouble'. 

As I occupied my waiting time with chores, work, visiting friends, reading, etc. ( What do you think? that I wait by the phone?  lol..... Certainly not!!! I have a cell phone and I occupy my time AND think about him all the time--- while I wait---I take the phone with me ---hehehehe).  I thought about the notion that he is the way he is (with me) because I am the way I am with him. He probably figures I am not leaving him.... Im not and surprisingly this marine knows me (better than I know myself sometimes).  So, I thought, what ways about me can I change, so that he draws closer to me? I did get frustrated as the clock ticked to 8 pm. then 9 pm.  9 is my bedtime and he had not come over yet or called. He said he would and he normally is a man of his word.

I felt like telling him off and saying something like " its too late, dont come over --- humph!!!!"  but I held my toungue and asked God to let me behave in a loving way.  To let me not behave the way my flesh wants me to  ( to be prideful and harm him for making me wait; because im not getting what I want, when I want it).  That is what it really is all about.  I want what I want, when I want it.

Earlier in the day I had texted him about a coffee shop I went to.  It was an asian coffee shop and the girls that served the coffee wore scantily clad loungerie.  He responded to me that he has 'been to places like that'. I couldnt help but begin to think of " Wow! what kind of cochino man is this, why do I like such a man like this, those girls are skinny and hotties and Im not... how can I keep him from swaying to places like this..am I not hot enough? Is that why he doesnt come see me more often?. and all that other stuff'.  I dunno why...my mind is always thinking of silly things.

So, as I waited for him to come, I prayed and asked God " God if he is bad for me, keep him from me... I dont want anything or anyone bad in my life... but God I do love him.  You brought him into my life and you put the desires in my heart. Your word says that you will give me the desires of my heart, so if he is the one you want for me, bring him to me.  I am so tired of longing and wanting and the things I do do not draw him closer, so I dont know what to do.  I feel like I need so much from him and he is not giving me these things.  I also know that he cannot be everything to me. So please God, you know what I need, fullfill my needs and give me the love and support I lack from him elsewhere....that's if you want me to keep loving him.  Otherwise, I dont think I can continue to do this. God Im not going to fight it, I am not going to let myself get frustrated or say something mean to him... God you will need to bring him to me if that is what you want from me". 

So, guess what happended..... yes. My marine texts  me at 9:30 pm that he is on his way. He arrived an hour later. When he arrived he greated me with a HUG and a KISS ( Wow!) and he was jovial.  He told me he bumped into a highschool friend of his and that he spent the day with him and his family.  He said his friend had been in jail and had it not been for his amazingly loving and supportive wife, he would be lost.  Now his friend has a family, a great job and my marine was going to help his daughter get a job where he worked.  We retired to bed and he continued to tell me stories, in particular he shared that in his early twenties,when he was a policeman, he had uncovered one of 'those coffee shops'and the owners were arrested.

At the end of his visit I am reminded that it takes a great, supportive and loving woman to make a great man (happy).  I want to be that woman for my marine. I think God wants me to be that too. Also, it helps to listen and let the marine talk, without jumping to conclusions.  He uncovers truths about him that I would not have realized otherwise.  

After a few beers ( his breakfast of champions), my sweetheart is off to work and school.  I hope to spend time with him again soon....

The Fourth of July

Im such a baby, I know.... On the fourth, our first fourth together in the 3 years I've known him, he came to grill me some Porter House steaks. At the park there was a firework display and the cannons and booms could be heard from my house.  He was a little irritated by the commotion and the sounds. He is a great chef and grilling, amongst other things, is one of his great talents. He arrived with a party in a bag, beers, chips, sausages and steaks.  Then he began to order me around.  Get this, do that, hurry up....Under normal conditions, someone ordering me around would bother me.  In this case, I was so happy to see him and spend time with him that I didnt mind.  He shared a story of a time he was in combat and they encountered an ambush.  He sais that his marine reminded him it was the 4th of July and as they fought back they were charged with excitement thinking they were 'clebrating the fourth' and that their gunshots were fireworks.  When they shot the enemy they imagined they were letting off fireworks in the sky.  He normally doesnt talk much about stories of when he is 'in' or what he does while he is there, aside from saying  that he is an independent agent and shoots bad people.  We ate, laughed and talked about stupid stuff, my work, his old dating stories, and my girlfriend's (who was there) love interests.  When we went to bed I shared with him the fact that I was late for my period and he responded, happily that it would be a good thing. He said  that a child is a blessing and if I was pregnant we would raise our child together.  Under normal conditions, I may be worried about having a child and not being married.  I already have one that I raised and never thought to have another one until....

I met my marine. 

Im off to buy the test, I will let you know how it turns out.

Growing Impatient

As each day that goes by, I grow more impatient.  Recalling back when I had just met my marine over 3 years ago... You see, we dated for 3 months when he told me " I have bad news... Im going to deploy by the end of the year"  and somewhere along the line, he asked me to be patient with him.  He said that being with a marine was tough and required alot of patience. 

These days, he asks me to continue to be patient with him.  He is challenged with transitioning out of service and he is not able to find work of equivalent stature and pay.  This upsets him and wears on his 'manhood'.  I try my best to encourage him and to remind him of all the wonderful things about him that I love.  Still, he is bothered by his inability to earn a good living and be able to support me or buy me trinkets. As much as I tell him I dont need those things and that what I need most is time with him, in his arms...( sigh) He's not buying it and he keeps himself distant and drinks alot of beer.

Honestly, how much more patient can I be?  I was patient when he was away at predeployment training for weeks or months at a time.  I was patient when he got snowed in for a few weeks and couldnt come home to be with me.  I was patient for 13 months while he was deployed.  13 MONTHS!!!.....13 MONTHS!!!! I was patient when he returned and isolated himself, from me.  I say from me, because I later learned he took a vacation during that time. ( Silly me was fretting over what could be going through his mind and OMG, this PTSD stuff!!! I cried alot, worried, etc.... and later found he was on a vacation..to Japan....REALLY????).  Now he asks me to continue to be a little more patient with him.  UGGGH!!!!

At the end of last week, I didnt feel like being patient and positive any longer. I was tired of being nice and patient and positive and encouraging.  Not just towards my marine, but towards everyone.  In my morning prayer time, I told God I was tired and that He should chose someone else to be nice, that today I wanted to focus on me and no one else.  I felt a little selfish.  I thought about my problems (challenges  I should say) and began to think to myself.... ( the evil side of me began to say...)   'look girl, no one is worrying about your problems, or helping you with your problems... leave him alone to work out his crap... he's not there for you, you dont have to be patient anymore... tell him to  bug off!' So, during the day, I snapped at him ( via text) and told him he was full of it!    Being the nice guy he is ( and he really is, under that tough marine leather hide) he asked " What's got into you?"  and said " What can I do to help you?" .  I shouted back that there are plenty of things he can do to help me and he always says he cant or wont do them, such as helping me around the house (with man chores.... he doesnt live with me) or hanging out with me (hiking, sports, etc... non moneyspending things) or supporting me at a volunteer event.   Well, honestly I didnt say all that, but I think he knows what I meant.  He responded " OK, I'll go volunteer with you".  I admit I had a little smile inside my heart when he said this.  Then later he vented to me his frustrations and his financial strain. Boy did I feel horrible.  I reverted back to encouraging him.

Later, when I was in my quiet time with God, I thanked him for my lesson.  God reminded me that I was the one whom He intended to use to help others, including my marine. He reminded me that I need to be faithful in Him and continue to help others, encourage them, be patient and love them..... especially my marine.  So I asked God to give me the help, support and encouragement I needed from others, so that I can be filled with love and patience and pour out this love and patience into my marine.   That evenening ended with many of my co-workers and friends expressing their appreciation and encouragement for me.  They appreciated me for the 'support and encouragement' I give to them.  I received hugs and smiles and praise.  I left work that night, full of it... and ready to be there for my dear marine.   The very next day I continued to be appreciative of my dearest man, my marine, whom I love so much.  Oh yes, I also asked him for his forgiveness. I shouldnt have snapped at him. What was his response? Well, he said " I always forgive you". =) ,<3
Semper Fi...

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Snips and Snaps

Today's complaint is that I dont listen very well. My marine has been home for some time now ( His home) and he has been looking for work.  To his disappointment he is not finding valuable employment at a decent pay.  During his wait time, he has had a couple interviews.  He voices his frustration with out civilian hiring processes and interviews.  He gets annoyed after each interview and finds himself upset when he doesnt get the job.  I think the challenge is that us civilians arent as good listeners and communicators as military personnel and so, we find in the interview process that we dont hear him correctly and we misunderstand his answers.  We jump to conclusions and judgements quickly.  For example, he interviewed and the interviewer asked him what his 5 year plan was.  He walked her through the factors that drove him to obtain a degree in a field of study he is not interested in (family pressure) and how the military saw something in himn and developed him (as a trainer) and he excelled there.  He shared that he had always been interested in History and that if he could go back, he would have gotten education in that field.  He shared that he liked to teach.  What the employer heard was " I want to be a teacher of history" and so she chose not to go with him as a candidate.  This response angered him and he got fed up with our selection processes.  I tried to encourage him and told him that we civilian (humans) make alot of mistakes and overlook very good people. I tried to urge him not to take it personal.  He does, take it person.  Understandably so, he has risked his life, trained many people, and saved many people in the years he has been in the service.  On days when I sat picking my nose, or playing with my belly button, he crawled under barbed wire, through enemy lines.  On days that I pouted because I didnt have enough money to buy matching earings for my new dress or  because they ran out of my favorite icrecream flavor at the store, he was trying to talk sense to a young marine who was "losing it in Combat'.  I think most of us forget that, or put it out of our minds, how much our military men have endured.  Here Iam worrying about why he hasnt emailed me or texted me and he is probably dodging bullets or doing something, somewhere, he can never talk about to anyone.
Sure, so I try to tell him to be patient and to press on, and I get hurt when he snaps at me, raises his voice and tells me he is irritated, that our civilian ways are stupid ( he doesnt use those words).
He says he wants to work so he can feel comfortable 'bringing me on board'.  Im so silly, I ask " On Board to what?"  I tried to assure him that I dont need things, flowers, gifts and chocolates, and that all I want is time with him so we can do things together.  He is not hearing any of it, he simply says " Thats why I need to work, so I can spend time with you and we can do things". 
He raised his voice at me today when I asked him if he would volunteer with me.  He says " Ive volunteered enough, Im not doing free work anymore... Ive helped enough people... all those people I saved!... You dont listen to me, I said I dont want to volunteer or work for free.  You never listen well... ( and he went on and on and on)".  I was very upset when we ended the call.  I felt like telling him to "F-k off!"  I felt like throwing in the towel.  So I asked God to help me, to calm me and to help me to be loving.  I then texted him to please forgive me for upsetting him and for not listening well.  I told him he is right, that I volunteer too much and need to focus on my needs more.  Shortly thereafter, he appologized for snapping at me.  He always does, appologize (quickly). He doesnt cuss at me or tell me anything offensive (personally).  I like that about him.   I looked at the time and it was lunchtime and it was very hot outside.  I accepted his appology and told him I understand his frustration, its very hot and he is probably hungry since it is almost lunchtime ( men get grumpy when they dont eat, its nothing personal).

Isolation - Pre Deployment

As time drew closer to deployment, he drew more distant.  His texts, emails and phone calls became less frequent.  His kind words were exchanged with direct, and often naughty or derrogatory language. For example, he used to start the morning saying "Good morning beautiful.."  and later he might simple text " I want you to s....k my (blank)".  It seemed to me that when he was in firing practice or combat scenario training, he would often get 'charged and text intimate comments and requests.  I had mixed emotions when I received his messages.  On the one hand, I was a turned on and flattered that he thought of me in those instances, but at the same time, I was taken back by some of his direct requests.  I resided to the fact that he must be in a moment of feeling a 'rush' and that I should be supportive and encouraging and be in the moment with him.  In those times, I found myself giving into his requests and yes, having an exchange of "sexting".  The excitement for me was that, wherever he was (I never really knew where that was), he thought of me and we shared an intimate moment, long distance, through text or emails.  I thought of how it must be difficult on his end, to be focused in his training and the training of others and to be away from me ( or a woman) and the warmth of the experience of being with me.
I missed that warmth too.  What kept me from going berserk for lack of intimacy was to imagine how he must feel to be alone and to not have the option of being with someone.  Now I dont know how easy or hard it is for military men to have access to women during their training exercises.  I imagine, they could watch porno, view magazines, or pick up a one night stand, or something like that... maybe.  But I also beleive that a short term fix, or relationship like that doesnt compare to being with your  'steady person', what I like to call "your person". 
Your person knows you and you know him.  He knows your ways and you know his. You are comfortable with one another and know each others moves, likes and wants. I missed him so much when he was away.  And he is ALWAYS away.
He did tell me " Being with a marine is tough"  and I responded, that I can handle it.  He said " I need you to be patient with me" and I said " I will be patient"  He said " I hope to see you" and I said " We will see each other when we can, and make the most of our moments together". He said " When I get near deployment, its normal for me to get distant from the people I love, my family and my friends".  I responded " I know that's how you are, but you can change, you can see me more.." 
Preparing my heart for when he left was so hard and the time alone in between things was difficult to endure.

PTSD- We all get it

Somewhere along the line, he shared with me he was diagnosed with PTSD.  Once I heard this, I had to t to understand what it was and what to expect from it.  I immersed myself in books, articles and webinars about it.  Then, I purchased a book called " When War Comes Home" from military ministry.  While reading this book, I began to understand a little about myself and came to realize that I too have have PTSD.  I learned that, with all the scars, hurts and pains that I experienced in life, all the negative experiences had shaped and molded me to the person I was. Those negative experiences that I failed to process in a healthy way had resulted in my ill feelings, in my fears of relationship, in my fears of going out and meeting new people and  my lack of being able to relate to people.  I learned that these repressed negaive memories that I held deep down inside me were the cause of my outward manifestations of showing lack of empathy, of not feeling, of guarding myself against intimacy. 

At the time, I was seeking understanding the truth of what I beleived Spiritually by studying the practice of Thervada Buddism, studying the Vedas and Sutras.  I realized that I was not feeling releif from my depression through the teachings.  Then one day, while reading the Vedas, I read a phrase that said " you seek me(love) and I have always been here, I am at your reach.... you  look and look, but I have always been so close to you".  At that moment, I realized that what I was looking for Truth in the wrong place.  I came to the realization that the only thing that will fill the holes in my lifewas the Word ( the Bible).  I then, put down the Buddist scriptures and stopped attending meditation classes.  Instead, I reverted to focusing on going to church and imersing myself in God's teachings. I remembered that the same stories I read in Sutras, I had read them in the Bible.  The same wisdom. At this, I changed focus and began a journey of self understanding, of getting to know my God intimately and to continue to press into Him.  In part this was done to better understand myself  so that I can prepare myself for understanding my Marine when he comes home from war.
For what I learned from this experience and the understanding and wisdom the past few years brought me, I thank my Marine.  I thank him for allowing me to fall in love with him.  Had he been another man,  I may not have traveled through this spirital path of self understanding and healing.  Had I met someone else and grown to love them, they may have taken up my time.  This time that Iused to spend with myself and with God would have been used spent with the man and his family and I would have never understood why I am the way I am.  I may not have healed from past hurts and those 'sores' ( as they are called in thebook Changes that Heal, by Cloud and Tounsend; or The Four Agreements ) would have manifested themselves in my repeat of past relationship mistakes. 

You see, I grew up with strict parents who lacked empathy.  I didnt learn how to feel, my heart was hard. Sure, I was a go getter and accomplished woman.  Many people saw me as 'Independent and doesnt need a man or anyone'.  On the inside, I felt lonely, I longed for close relationships and I longed to feel loved.  My tendency was to be an enabler.  I knew how to love others and found it hard to request their love in return. This left me empty.  

Why was I this way? Because of how I was raised and because of the things that happened to me.  I realized, while reading about PTSD that fear is what stops us from living and sharing life with others.  Fear, shame, and guilt.  I had past experiences that I was ashamed of, broken hearted, abandoned, unloved, neglected, rejected, harsh words, failures, condemned and many other negative words and feelings.  I had to learn to deal and feel ( How We Love, by Milan and Kay).

I couldnt have stayed in love with my marine, through his readying for deployment, through the absence of him, through his return home... had God not prepared my heart and healed me from all that I experienced.  To love a military man it takes a special person.  It takes someone who cares, someone who loves and supports and someone who doesnt easily give up.  Without God I could not have stayed comitted and patient. Without Him to strengthen me, encourage me, and providing me with the friends and support I need(ed), I could not have done it.   Read on.....

Stubborness and post war depression

OMG!  This man is killing me!!!!
He's been back from Afghanistan for about a year now and whatever he has been up to the past year, is a little sketchy... So I think.  He is not employed and I sense he is feeling frustrated and getting depressed.  What kills me is that I live 50 miles away from him so it is not as if either of us can make a quick trip to see each other.

Today, a very hot day, I tried to entice him to come hang out with me and, of course, he declined. He said he preferred to stay at home, where it is safe.  He had been drinking and doesnt want to attempt to drive under the influence.  This is a good way to think, but I still want to see him and I am frustrated and discouraged.  I suspect he feels bad that his car is in the shop and that i would have to pick him up. Some men see a woman picking them up as deliminiting their manhood.  Although I can appreciate that sentiment, i am still upset. I know that  he defers going to hang out because he is not working and cant afford it.   He has told me this and he says he feels bad that he cant buy me things.  I dont know what more I can do to let him know that spending time and getting to know each other can be economical.  There are plenty of things to do where money doesnt need to be spent.  All I wanted to do was walk and hang around near the beach.  That doesnt cost anything.

He has also shared with me that he doesnt like to go to places that are too crowded.  I read in a PTSD article that persons suffering from depression dont like crowded places and isolate themselves.  I do that too.

Although I empathize with him and what he could be going through, I am feeling frustrated with this whole thing.  I am beginning to resent that I put in 3+ years of time of waiting for him and yet, even though he is not 'readying for deployment, or deploying, or oversees, or adjusting to being home' I still dont get time from him.   This man is killing me and I am allowing it. 

Im so frustrated today and irritated that I dont get time.  I want to just punch him.

A Roadblock - Bad News

Then one day in early spring, I received a text.  It read " I have bad news".   I quickly called my marine to understand what was going on.  At the time, I had not decided to allow myself to care for him completely, so I pretended to be upbeat and carefree about his response.  It was then that he told me he had made a decision to deploy to Afganistan.  The plan was for him to leave in October and he would spend a significant amount of time preparing his team for deployment. 
I pretended not to be alarmed ( or disappointed for that matter).  In all honesty I felt discouraged.  I thought to myself ' oh great, I found a really nice man just to have this relationship be a temporary thing'.  With that, a part of me hesitated to completely commit to the relationship, as much as I wanted to, I was afraid he would not reciprocate the feeling and I feared he wouldnt return.  Thereafter, his behavior changed and he would go weeks and days without communicating with me. 
I remembered that I would keep my cell phone close to me and watch for his emails or texts every day.  Every day turning to see if I had a "Ping" or some semblance that he was still there. 
My heart filled with excitement when I would get "that call" telling me ' I'm back this weekend, come out and see me'.  He would spend time about once a month, or every other month in Camp Pendleton.  when he'd call for me, I would drive out to see him with bells and whistles (not really, just my overnight bag). 
The amazing thing about this relationship was that, for some reason, whenever I really needed to hear from him, he would call or text or email.  I remembered that I would have a tough day at work, or be going through a tough emotional problem and he would call and ask how was my day?   His timing was impecable. He always knew I would come see him. I always wanted to.  He was a far cry from anyone I had ever dated.  i didnt see him or spend as much time as I would have liked to, but the brief weekends we would spend together were explosive and AMAZING!

The Day After

Just about every day thereafter, my mornings began with texts and conversations from my new friend, the marine.  I felt warm and bubbly inside when I would receive a text from him.  This feeling, though exciting, scared me. I both wanted to see him more, and at the same time, wanted to forget about him.  I felt the distance, and his busy schedule would not allow for much of a relationship. At the time he worked for as a terrorist security personnel ( we'll leave it at that for the sake of national security, lol) and he was in the Marine reserve.  In other words, he was unavailable alot.  My girly mind began to think, " he probably has a girlfriend, or worse! a wife! and he is just trying to fit me in whenever."  So, when I think this, of course I was angry.  I couldn't fathom the idea that may be he was simply too busy to see me and spend time with me.
A little history here, my last boyfriend of many many many years was local and I saw him alot.  We spend gobbs of time together and with family.  After a 12 year stint with this non committal person, I decided I wanted something different.  Boy is dating a marine different! So, you see, I got what I wanted. (didn't know it at the time, though.... we never do.. right?)
So, from then on he and I kept trying to get together, but between his schedule and mine,there was rarely time.  Finally, there was a break in his communication to me.  Then I thought, WOW! I guess he is not that into me.  Whatever! and life went on.  He surfaced a few days or weeks later and shared with me that he had to go work somewhere up north and he was back for the weekend.  He invited me to stay with him at a hotel near Camp Pendleton.  I agreed.
When I arrived, he welcomed me in the parking lot and began to give me instructions on 'behavior guidelines for my stay'. I thought it was cute for him to do this, knowing that I am always on good behavior, but I let him talk. He took me to his room and offered for me to use the dresser and directed me to which space in the restroom and closet were 'set aside' for me.  At the time, I was a little uncomfortable with that, I was vacillating, so I opted to keep my things in my duffel bag ( for a quick get away if things got strange, lol).    I was delightfully surprised when he showed me the thoughtful gift he got me.  He must have been listening to me on our first date. He then, took me out on for dinner and dancing.  The next day, he had to work so he got ready in the morning.  I felt guilty for not getting up with him, or making him breakfast.  He told me to sleep in as he readied himself to work.  I shut my eyes, but watched out of the corner of my eye how meticulous he was in his morning routine and tending to his crisp uniform, donning his socks, everything. As I hugged him and gave him a kiss before he left, he quickly told me ' not too much, my guys will know..and they will tease me...' He was eluding to me leaving him smelling like a girl. 
All day, I planned to tour the area of camp P, and I did.  Though, I found myself anxious for his return from work. I thought the feeling of anticipation inviting, but also scary.  I don't recall being excited 'waiting' for anybody before.  I don't know what made this one different.
If I were to say, "that moment" for me... you know what I mean when I say " That moment?".  Well, if you don't, you will, at some point.  Well, the next night, we stayed up watching a national geographic special of attraction.  In the show, there were two little rodents in the wilderness.  The narrator explained that these critters had only one mate.  Apparently, there is something in their brains, some type of pheromone that makes the male critter link with the female.  For these little furry bundles, there is only one partner.  The filmmaker showed the little critters nuzzled up next to each other in their burrow.  At that time I asked my marine, " what type (of mammal) are you? " and he responded " what type do you want me to be?" I smiled and pressed my head against his chest while I said ' the one who has one partner (  I used the name of the little rodent/critter - but at the moment I cant remember its name ). He pulled me in, and the rest of the what happened that evening is private.

Our First Date

Three years ago I met my marine.   After a month of talking on the phone, texting and emailing, and several failed date attempts, I finally met my marine.  Our first date was attending my friend's 40th birthday party.  I was so nervous. I hadnt dated since I was in my early 20's. I had been about a year or so out of a long term relationship.  My ex-boyfriend never committed but we enjoyed 12+ years of fun and excitement.  We spent lots of time together and our family and friends were connected and intertwined.  Now, i was about to face a 360 degree change by dating a tenured marine who excudes the corps. and loves what he does.  Honestly, I dont actually know what he really does.  Its not like he can talk about his day like a civilian person.  So, I have an idea of what he does.  He tells me what I need to know. 

Anyway, back to our date.  I was so nervous.  I was still getting ready when he arrived.  Im normally on time, but he was 15 minutes early. (He is always early).  He complimented my beauty (aw, I know, how cute!) and I was taken back since I hadnt put my sexy black dress on yet.  I was still wearing my holy (not because if was God blessed, but rather they had holes in them) favorite shorts.   I quickly got dressed.  I noticed that he stood in the living room for a split second and glanced around the perimeter.  He talked to me as I got ready and he slightly walked to the dining room.  I sensed he was 'casing' the permiters and exits.  Then he planted himself, sitting up straight on my sofa and kindly waited for me to finished getting ready.   He was noble, a gentleman and polite.  He walked me to his car and ... yes, I was impressed.  It was a very pretty, sexy, neat and clean piece of machinery.  (I've never known him to have a dusty or cluttery car -- what a blessing!).  I was pretty nervous.  But, he is a good talker.  He began to tell me about himself and what he does.  He said something about researching bad guys and eliminated them.  LOL.  

I remember, at the time, I felt very nervous.  I was hoping my friends dont tell him something embarassing about me or something that would make him question my character.   I also felt safe and accepted.  It seemed like with him, I could be safe.  I didnt worry about leaving anything, losing my senses, in fear of my safety, none of that.  I knew that he would get me where I needed to be and back home safely.  I dont remember ever there being a time before that I had felt so safe. 

I thought, what the coolest thing about him was that he was a fine blend of sofistication ( with his James Bond appearance and style) and a down to earth person that fits in with all types of people.  On the way out we passed by a famous taco stand.  He asked me how the food was and I told him that joint is infamous.  It is 'the spot' to go for tacos.  So, on the way home from the party he stopped by and picked us up some tacos.  Im telling you, he is amazing.

He spent the night.  I know, before our date I thought that I wanted to follow all the rules of dating.  You know, the 3 month rule (dont have sex too soon), dont call him let him call you... etc.  etc.  But after our taco he said he was tired and wanted to know if I minded if he spent the night a little before he drove home.   I always thought I had great will power and could keep one foot on the floor or keep my pajamas on, but I was  too weak.  Either that or his mojo was overpowering. So, we spent the night together.  He was amazing, tireless and he broke me.  All rules, reason, resistance and hesitation went right out the door and boy did I enjoy every minute of it.