Sunday, June 17, 2012

Stubborness and post war depression

OMG!  This man is killing me!!!!
He's been back from Afghanistan for about a year now and whatever he has been up to the past year, is a little sketchy... So I think.  He is not employed and I sense he is feeling frustrated and getting depressed.  What kills me is that I live 50 miles away from him so it is not as if either of us can make a quick trip to see each other.

Today, a very hot day, I tried to entice him to come hang out with me and, of course, he declined. He said he preferred to stay at home, where it is safe.  He had been drinking and doesnt want to attempt to drive under the influence.  This is a good way to think, but I still want to see him and I am frustrated and discouraged.  I suspect he feels bad that his car is in the shop and that i would have to pick him up. Some men see a woman picking them up as deliminiting their manhood.  Although I can appreciate that sentiment, i am still upset. I know that  he defers going to hang out because he is not working and cant afford it.   He has told me this and he says he feels bad that he cant buy me things.  I dont know what more I can do to let him know that spending time and getting to know each other can be economical.  There are plenty of things to do where money doesnt need to be spent.  All I wanted to do was walk and hang around near the beach.  That doesnt cost anything.

He has also shared with me that he doesnt like to go to places that are too crowded.  I read in a PTSD article that persons suffering from depression dont like crowded places and isolate themselves.  I do that too.

Although I empathize with him and what he could be going through, I am feeling frustrated with this whole thing.  I am beginning to resent that I put in 3+ years of time of waiting for him and yet, even though he is not 'readying for deployment, or deploying, or oversees, or adjusting to being home' I still dont get time from him.   This man is killing me and I am allowing it. 

Im so frustrated today and irritated that I dont get time.  I want to just punch him.


  1. First I would just like to say I love reading your blog. I can relate to this post. My marine is about 1,500 miles from me, I just got back from a trip to visit him and it seemed like all he cared about was his friends and his computer not the fact that spent a lot of money to come spend time with him. I don't ask for much and I figured he could manage taking a week off his daily routine to be with the one he loves but it didn't work out that way.

    1. Miranda, Thank you for your comment. Im glad someone is reading this and my frustrations are not in vain. I think God chose, those of us who dont ask for much, to be able to deal (be patient with) these men who arent able to give us much. I find my marine loves his marines and they love him too. That doesnt leave much space for me.