In My Dreams

While on vacation, I had the most beautiful dream.  I dreamt of seeing my marine, of his smile, or his scent.  I enjoy being around him so much.  Simply being in the same room, breathing the same error, fills me with joy.

When I awoke, I am reminded that my marine did not come with us.  I invited him earlier this year.  He was in Texas and now in Southeast Asia.  It is highly unlikely that I will see him soon or that my dream will come true and I would be by him.

During my vacation I perused posters from Social Anthropologists that show various beliefs and rationale for relationships.  When it all comes down to it, it is always about that.

As a result of my time away, to reflect, and enjoy, I have made a decision... my decision to release all these ' friends with benefits' relationships and pursue that ultimate calling to be united with one person.

I began to think that the reason I attracted myself to military men is because these men are difficult to connect with.  They lack the desire to have a deep emotional committed connection.  Something in them fears this and they repel when they feel themselves getting close.

Honestly, I dont know what it is, all I know is that I dont want it anymore.  I want to be close.  I want to be included.  Also I want someone who will be present in relationship.

Navy Seals Are Wierd

                                                                                                                                                                       I know, it is a generalized statement.  I know, it could be that the one I met is just wierd.  Ok, maybe not wierd, maybe different. Let me prephase this comment by making this statement.  I love military men.  I find them handsome, well kempt, solid, hot, and having all the internal qualities I like.  However, I dislike... very much... their distant.  Emotional and physical distance.  I like closeness and connectedness.  I talk or text my friends often, several times a week.  We see each other monthly.  For some random reason, when one of the men I am interested dont text me back within the week, well, frankly, it irritates me. #Iwantyoutowantme. Like the song goes.  

John, the seal has his moments.  What I like about him is that he is affectionate.  He likes to hug.  Yes #PDA.  Last time we spoke he said he'd call me during the week.  I agreed, although in my head I was thinking that I am buzy this week, preparing for my vacation in the Florida Keyes.  Well, guess what.  He didnt call.  Go figure.  

I called him to leave him a message.  I was on my lunch break and called, texted several of my friends to see if they were free.  None of them were.  I included John in my texts.  He responded later that night, via text " I told you I would call you....."   How rude!!!   Does he actually think that I will live my life following his orders.  I call or text when I want, as it is convenient to me.  If he cant handle that, too bad.  I do me.  Pretending and conforming is too hard. 

I still havent heard from him.  He claims that he has a buzy lifestyle and that he is still working through transitioning from being a seal captain into retirement.  That might very well be the case.  I can respect that.  Nonetheless, a girl needs attention and a text with a imogi takes but two seconds to send.  

                    

Im not speaking for all girls.  I am speaking for this girl. I contend with the fact that he is who is he is and he is where he wants to be.  We all are, in one way or another. 

 Today, while shopping for wine to  enjoy while I write.  I was speaking with a girlfriend about my dating life.  She asked about my marine.  ( sigh) My marine still has my heart.  He always will. I admitted to her that if my marine were to want a committed relationship, I would be all over that.  For now, he is overseas.  We have only communicated a handful of times this year, less than before.. so a relationship is highly unlikely. It is impossible, geographically and we are in different places.  The biggest hurdle, of course, is that he has not expressed an interest in having a long distance open relationship.  Open meaning that his friends and family know that he is in relationship.  If he were to commit to something like that, then everything else could be overcome, right?   Love covers all...

Peace... 

Conflict Resolution Finding an Exchange

Retirement is difficult to grasp for many.  Add retirement to a former Navy Seal and there is a bundle of challenges that need to be resolved.  This particular seal I reference here, lets call him John.  Did I call him John before?

So John is argumentative.  I think the challenge comes from the fact that he has not had many women in his world.  He spent long spans of time with his team, men, and the dynamics of those relationships are different. 

Well, now John has me.  I learned to be aware of my emotional side and to express my feeling.  Frankly, I enjoy this side of me.  John could tell you a different story.  However, I have known John for a few years now.  I see him once in a while.  Its just as if he were still serving and away for long periods of time.  As much as I enjoy people's company and want to see more of John, I am ok with the time away because when he is with me it takes its toll on me physically.  Yes, and emotionally since I am not used to man energy.

In our relationship, I concede and I am patient.  John is a handlful. His temperment, he is stubbord.  My role is not to toss him aside because I dont like it.  I took the approach with him long ago, to get to know him and to accept him the way he is. 

Recently, the topic came up of arguing... arguing over texts.  He said he didnt like that.  The argument stemmed when I was tired of his constant schedule changes and cancellations.  I was ovulating and had a tough week and wanted a hug and affection.  I told him to come see me.  He declined.  I let him have it over texting.  It wasnt mean spirited, I just told him " You are always too tired and you dont make time for me.  I want to see you."  I cant remember what else I told him, but if you ask him, his head swirls and face frowns.  I dont think he appreciates my disappointment.

Come to find, when we talked, I found out that he was in San Diego at the time and driving 2 hours to see me at 10 pm was not in his plans.  He was about to go to sleep.  I thought he was closer.  My bad.  I didnt realize this over texting.

He complained about my texting.  It really bothered him.  So after hearing him rant and rave, I smiled and pulled in close to him, giving him a soft kiss(es) on his face and said " OK, we have this problem, how do we move forward from here, what do you want me to do when I am upset with you"  He responded that I should hold it in and wait for when we talk.  If he is not available at the time, he will call me back and we can talk.   I accepted his terms.  He said, if you would be more patient with me, Ill come see you more often.  Hmmmmm.

OK, I agreed.  It sounded like a fair exchange.  I wanted to see whether this exchange is true.  I will text less, conversate more and wait for face to face time to tell me my deep feelings.   Lets see if John comes close.

 

Pillows and Pants

I dreamt I was shopping with my marine and we picked out some pillows an Levi's jeans.  I carried them in a large see through bag.   Then another man came along. He had great hair and he picked out top quality pillows and bedding.  I held the bedding in a bag in my right hand.  

we proceeded to shop in the store until he said he was tired and needed to leave to rest.  People mover 40 years old get tired easily.  He walked ahead of me.  I glanced at the bag in my right hand, then to the bag in my left.  I thought to myself that I enjoyed shopping for the items in my left hand more than I valued the things in my right.    I didn't care as much for high end stuff from a man who disregards me as much as I valued the experience of collaborating with a man who asked my opinion about what we purchased together.

The man then walked ahead as he was in a rush to leave.  I thought to run behind him, but stopped myself.  I decided to look at a few items in the store and risk him leaving without me than to run after his curtails. 

I awoke thinking this dream was about my marine.  I valued the kind of one on one conversations we had. I valued his approach to communicating.

I miss him, I always miss him.

Navy Seals are tougher than Marines

I must admit, I was wrong in assessing that John, the former seal was going to be an easier man to deal with relationally.  John, the seal (yes, John the flake) is good with his finances, seemed grounded (he talks about his daughter, family and long time friends who live in the area.  He seemed to have a great social life with friends doing fun activities outdoors like camping, fishing, star gazing, kayaking, etc. . . .  Compared to the marine who drinks alcohol almost daily, eats and has a few close friends.  He is not outdoorsy, although he does ride a motorcycle ( riddled with decals of scantily clad women).   He is horrible with money!!! He spends it easily and does not have savings. 

When I first met John, I shared with him that I like to have a lot of connection to my partner.  I like frequent communications, be it texts or phone calls and I like to see my partner often.   I shared with him that what kills me is that my marine is rarely home and he is often out of communication; whether by choice or design.

Of course, initially John promised to always communicate with me and see or talk often.  That was before we had sex.  Now that he has ‘ locked me in’ with that activity, I rarely see him.  Rarely for me is that I have probably seen him 3 times this year.  

The other day I called him to say hello.  ( PS: Don’t get me wrong. I don’t wait by the phone for anyone.  I go out, I date others and I have a busy life).  I know that he often stays up late, since he can’t sleep.  He said he is always on guard.   I called him  at about 1130 pm.  His response to my call was a text “I’m sleeping, what’s up?”  I responded “Can’t sleep, just wanted to talk”.  His texts back, “Are you insecure about something?”   Taken back by his comment I responded “ Only insecure people are up at 22:30?” to which he texts “ Ill call you later in the week”.  

Im not understanding where  this seal gets the idea that I am “ insecure” because I reach out to him to say hello.  Then, when I don’t reach out – he says I am ignoring him, or I don’t seem to care.  WTF?

Weird!!!

This past week I came across a survey that USC is performing for families and loved ones of former military folks.  There is a big push on teaching us how to deal with them and their issues upon returning from deployment or service.   Check out the site on: http://cir.usc.edu/the-los-angeles-veteran-survey if you want to learn more.

I don’t know that I would join a survey like this.  I suppose if either my marine or the seal would show me they have a genuine interest in having a relationship with me, I would.  However, as it stands now, they are both distant so I won’t pursue learning more about them (until they pursue learning more about me).  Either way, perhaps some of your readers would find the survey and resources helpful.

Ta Ta

Things That Offend Military Men

I have a friend who is dubbed John the Flake.  ( Real names are changed to protect the innocent- jejejeje).  John is known in my circle of friends as " John the Flake".  About a year back, during a time when my marine went into isolation, I befriended and dated John.  John is a retired Navy Seal Captain.  John had suffered a life threatening blow to his tummy which resulted in his forced resignation from service. 

With John, I decided to take our relationship at a slower, more certain pace. ( Compared to jumping into bed with my marine on our first day and thinking I was his girlfriend).  No, John was different.  He had similar qualities as my marine.  He is a hottie, sexy, good communicator.  However, different from my marine, John was good with his finances.  He was ready for a relationship ( so he said).  So, I decided to tell John I wouldnt sleep with him unless he was my boyfriend.  Following that comment, he agreed to be my boyfriend.  Then he flaked on me for new years by cancelling on the last minute and breaking up with me over texting.  Strange!!!!!   What is up with these Military Men!!!!

Therafter, I maintain a friendship with John.  He cancels quite a bit.  It had gotten to the point that I called him on it.  He pulls away when I challenge him.   He says the following things offend military men.  So I thought to add them here, lest any of you readers attempt to date one of these guys and not want to hurt their feelings.
"Dude"   -  Although in California, Orange County area we call guys by this name, military men find it offensive.  IDK.
" I Miss you" -- This is too clingy and needy.
"Ignore them" -- They feel dejected and disregarded  ( So how do you reconcile telling them you care and miss them being found too needy versus ignoring their texts for a day or so and being told you are self-centered and ignore them? IDK.
" Go fetch my purse from the house" - apparently you shouldn't order a staff sargeant around.  ( jejejeje)
" Surprise" -- No surprise birthday parties.  I have a friend who dated a marine with PTSD and she arranged for family and friends to jump out from behind the furniture and yell ' surprise! happy birthday!'  Her marine freeked out!!!!   I can understand why, but she was taken back by the experience.
" Old dog poo in the yard"  Yes, my marine is sensistive to smells so I have to clean up my dogs mess and perfume the yard before he comes over. ( Geeesh!)
" Nazi Personal Trainer".  Yes, I called my personal trainer an exercise Nazi and John flipped.  He said to never reference words like that around military men because of all the situations they have had to resolve worldwide as a result of tyrrany.

I honestly think this friend John is even more work to deal with than my marine.  John cancels so much, I dont take him serious anymore.  Then when I cancel on him, he gets butt hurt.

The worst part is that when I address Johns behavioral issues and tell him how they affect me.  He typically responds.  " Its a military thing".  Im tired of that lame excuse.  Last time he flaked I told him "dont hide behind military excuses. I am not military and he needs to consider the rules in my world if he wants to play in it".  ( He appologized and made up. jejejeje! Gotcha!)



Strange.  Strange military men. Why do I put up with them?    Well, I like to learn and I enjoy the challenge.  I figure, If I can handle one of these 'tough' men, then I can handle anyone. =)

Only In My Dreams Marine

Last night I dreampt a beautiful dream.

I dreampt I was at home awaiting to attend to a gathering, a barbeque of some sorts.  At the same time, I was called to attend to some work.  I dont recall exactly what the work was, however, I do recall that one of my guests was my marine. 
I heard a loud sound in the front yard.  The sound was that of a loud motorcycle.  I rushed to the window to catch a glimpse of my marine pulling into the yard on his motorcycle.  I rushed out of the doorway to greet him and to ask him to keep the throttle noise down so as not to offend my guests.  At the gathering were some family member, friends and my parents.  My dad was there and he glanced at the noice in the front yard and his bushy eyebrows frowned. 

I invited my marine into the yard and he was accompanied by a few friends.  I sat them at the table, then attended to my work.  I tried to rush through work so that I could spend time mingling with my family, friends and yes! my marine.  Unfortunately, by the time I finished work, my marine and his friends had finished their 6 pack of beer and eating.  They left.  I ran out to see him off and viewed his motorcycle riding off into the hills.  I thought for a moment, Im glad my family received him.  My mom likes him.  Then I thought, too bad I didnt have more beer so they could stay-- but then again, they can bring their own beer and enjoy coming out to see me and enjoying my company.

Then my eyes turned to the ceiling.  I lived in a large tent and an evil being had placed a cord with a hook into my ceiling.  The arrow at the end of the cord missed me and I grabbed it and pushed it back through the hole in my ceiling.  I looked out the window and thought, boy I wish my marine had stayed to protect me from the evil being who is trying to kill me through my roof.   My marine had left and I couldnt locate him by phone.  I thought, I was not worried.  If a being wants to kill me and overpowers me, so be it.  Why fight it, all I can do is do my best and if I die, oh well.

I then rested in the moment of bliss having enjoyed having my marine and his friends intermingle with my parents, family and friends.  I was happy.  Then I awoke.

Need I mention that my dad has been dead for years.  Its nice that I am reminded of him in my dreams.

Pleasant Dreams.