In My Dreams

While on vacation, I had the most beautiful dream.  I dreamt of seeing my marine, of his smile, or his scent.  I enjoy being around him so much.  Simply being in the same room, breathing the same error, fills me with joy.

When I awoke, I am reminded that my marine did not come with us.  I invited him earlier this year.  He was in Texas and now in Southeast Asia.  It is highly unlikely that I will see him soon or that my dream will come true and I would be by him.

During my vacation I perused posters from Social Anthropologists that show various beliefs and rationale for relationships.  When it all comes down to it, it is always about that.

As a result of my time away, to reflect, and enjoy, I have made a decision... my decision to release all these ' friends with benefits' relationships and pursue that ultimate calling to be united with one person.

I began to think that the reason I attracted myself to military men is because these men are difficult to connect with.  They lack the desire to have a deep emotional committed connection.  Something in them fears this and they repel when they feel themselves getting close.

Honestly, I dont know what it is, all I know is that I dont want it anymore.  I want to be close.  I want to be included.  Also I want someone who will be present in relationship.

Navy Seals Are Wierd

                                                                                                                                                                       I know, it is a generalized statement.  I know, it could be that the one I met is just wierd.  Ok, maybe not wierd, maybe different. Let me prephase this comment by making this statement.  I love military men.  I find them handsome, well kempt, solid, hot, and having all the internal qualities I like.  However, I dislike... very much... their distant.  Emotional and physical distance.  I like closeness and connectedness.  I talk or text my friends often, several times a week.  We see each other monthly.  For some random reason, when one of the men I am interested dont text me back within the week, well, frankly, it irritates me. #Iwantyoutowantme. Like the song goes.  

John, the seal has his moments.  What I like about him is that he is affectionate.  He likes to hug.  Yes #PDA.  Last time we spoke he said he'd call me during the week.  I agreed, although in my head I was thinking that I am buzy this week, preparing for my vacation in the Florida Keyes.  Well, guess what.  He didnt call.  Go figure.  

I called him to leave him a message.  I was on my lunch break and called, texted several of my friends to see if they were free.  None of them were.  I included John in my texts.  He responded later that night, via text " I told you I would call you....."   How rude!!!   Does he actually think that I will live my life following his orders.  I call or text when I want, as it is convenient to me.  If he cant handle that, too bad.  I do me.  Pretending and conforming is too hard. 

I still havent heard from him.  He claims that he has a buzy lifestyle and that he is still working through transitioning from being a seal captain into retirement.  That might very well be the case.  I can respect that.  Nonetheless, a girl needs attention and a text with a imogi takes but two seconds to send.  

                    

Im not speaking for all girls.  I am speaking for this girl. I contend with the fact that he is who is he is and he is where he wants to be.  We all are, in one way or another. 

 Today, while shopping for wine to  enjoy while I write.  I was speaking with a girlfriend about my dating life.  She asked about my marine.  ( sigh) My marine still has my heart.  He always will. I admitted to her that if my marine were to want a committed relationship, I would be all over that.  For now, he is overseas.  We have only communicated a handful of times this year, less than before.. so a relationship is highly unlikely. It is impossible, geographically and we are in different places.  The biggest hurdle, of course, is that he has not expressed an interest in having a long distance open relationship.  Open meaning that his friends and family know that he is in relationship.  If he were to commit to something like that, then everything else could be overcome, right?   Love covers all...

Peace... 

Conflict Resolution Finding an Exchange

Retirement is difficult to grasp for many.  Add retirement to a former Navy Seal and there is a bundle of challenges that need to be resolved.  This particular seal I reference here, lets call him John.  Did I call him John before?

So John is argumentative.  I think the challenge comes from the fact that he has not had many women in his world.  He spent long spans of time with his team, men, and the dynamics of those relationships are different. 

Well, now John has me.  I learned to be aware of my emotional side and to express my feeling.  Frankly, I enjoy this side of me.  John could tell you a different story.  However, I have known John for a few years now.  I see him once in a while.  Its just as if he were still serving and away for long periods of time.  As much as I enjoy people's company and want to see more of John, I am ok with the time away because when he is with me it takes its toll on me physically.  Yes, and emotionally since I am not used to man energy.

In our relationship, I concede and I am patient.  John is a handlful. His temperment, he is stubbord.  My role is not to toss him aside because I dont like it.  I took the approach with him long ago, to get to know him and to accept him the way he is. 

Recently, the topic came up of arguing... arguing over texts.  He said he didnt like that.  The argument stemmed when I was tired of his constant schedule changes and cancellations.  I was ovulating and had a tough week and wanted a hug and affection.  I told him to come see me.  He declined.  I let him have it over texting.  It wasnt mean spirited, I just told him " You are always too tired and you dont make time for me.  I want to see you."  I cant remember what else I told him, but if you ask him, his head swirls and face frowns.  I dont think he appreciates my disappointment.

Come to find, when we talked, I found out that he was in San Diego at the time and driving 2 hours to see me at 10 pm was not in his plans.  He was about to go to sleep.  I thought he was closer.  My bad.  I didnt realize this over texting.

He complained about my texting.  It really bothered him.  So after hearing him rant and rave, I smiled and pulled in close to him, giving him a soft kiss(es) on his face and said " OK, we have this problem, how do we move forward from here, what do you want me to do when I am upset with you"  He responded that I should hold it in and wait for when we talk.  If he is not available at the time, he will call me back and we can talk.   I accepted his terms.  He said, if you would be more patient with me, Ill come see you more often.  Hmmmmm.

OK, I agreed.  It sounded like a fair exchange.  I wanted to see whether this exchange is true.  I will text less, conversate more and wait for face to face time to tell me my deep feelings.   Lets see if John comes close.

 

Pillows and Pants

I dreamt I was shopping with my marine and we picked out some pillows an Levi's jeans.  I carried them in a large see through bag.   Then another man came along. He had great hair and he picked out top quality pillows and bedding.  I held the bedding in a bag in my right hand.  

we proceeded to shop in the store until he said he was tired and needed to leave to rest.  People mover 40 years old get tired easily.  He walked ahead of me.  I glanced at the bag in my right hand, then to the bag in my left.  I thought to myself that I enjoyed shopping for the items in my left hand more than I valued the things in my right.    I didn't care as much for high end stuff from a man who disregards me as much as I valued the experience of collaborating with a man who asked my opinion about what we purchased together.

The man then walked ahead as he was in a rush to leave.  I thought to run behind him, but stopped myself.  I decided to look at a few items in the store and risk him leaving without me than to run after his curtails. 

I awoke thinking this dream was about my marine.  I valued the kind of one on one conversations we had. I valued his approach to communicating.

I miss him, I always miss him.