Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Here We Go Again- Separation Anxiety

I am happy to report that our relationship is taking a turn in the positive direction.  We spend more time together, have more sex (that's always good right?) and through that experience we get to know one anothers "ways".  He invited me to his house and gave me a tour.  I smiled inside as I saw many similarities between he and my dad. 
I love my dad.  Though I didnt always feel that way, I admit.  My perception of my dad was that he was touch, non affectionate and I didnt really know him.  My dad had tons of fruit trees around the house.  Figs, peaches, apples, avocados, lemons, plums, and guava.  So did my marine.  He has persimons, pomegranates, etc.  He gave me a bunch of peaches during my stay.  I made peach cobbler the next day from the peaches... yum, yum!
The last time I was over he showed me his town and told me that I need to know my way around his town.  He knows his way around my town.  He showed me where the store is, and the best hole in the wall restaurants.  Then.. dun... dun dun...
He asked my opinion about a decision he is contemplating.  The decision was ( probably already made) he just wanted to know what I thought, I beleive.  He is taking a security job oversees and he will risk his life at the exchange for alot of money and a potential career opportunity..... oversees.  
Lord, please help me.   So,I deliberated with him and helped him think through it.  I beleive he will go.   It didnt hit me until I was at work later.  I thought, having slept on it that I had my response to him.  Then, I called a friend.  I told her what I was thinking and then I broke.  Yup, I cried.  I dont want him to go.  I dont want him to risk his life.  I am reminded, by my friend that that is who he is.  He is a man and he has ingrained in him, a desire to protect and care for.  I am sure that he wants to be able to take care of me and his parents and he sees this as an opportunity to get money (that necesary evil) to do just that.   Last night, I tried my best to reason with him and to let him knwo that "we" can save to travel, that he had other long term options for investments, etc. 
He shared with me that when he dropped his parents off at the airport he saw a ferrari and his dad commented " I know you want one son, and I know you will get one one day".   With that, he made his resolve to make money as quickly as possible.  So, yes, I beleive he will go.    I dont want him to go.
I called him later today to give him my answer.  I told him I care for him and I dont want him to put himself in harms way.  I told him that for me, his life is priceless and I would be distraught without him, should anything happen to him.  However, I did tell him that the decision is his.  If he decides to stay, finish school, work his PT job ( at a severe cut from military pay), that I would support him through it. ( Not financiall, I meant emotionally and he knows that).  But, if he wants to go, and do what he knows to do and risk his life for this opportunity.  If he beleives in the cause and feels that he will risk it, then, I will do my best to support him through the next several months while he is away.   (  this means I spend the holidays ALONE!!!!!! CRAP!!!!!). My heart is so heavy today.  I played praise and worship music on the way home and cried when I got to my driveway. I dont want him to be gone from me again.  I dont want him to go. I would be happy to lay in bed in his arms and eat canned tuna the rest of my days.  I dont want him to go!

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