Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Something About That Marine

The other day, while in my therapy session, I began to share about my marine.  I have been working with a therapist for 3 visits now.  She is helping me release the "block" and "fear of closeness" that I have that hinders me from having a great relationship.  This fear of pain or pain avoidance that I hold deep inside of my emotions is to blame for my longing for my marine and for 'that thing' that draws me to him... yes, even though he pulls away.

What I have learned over time, in all that I read and all that I explore about myself, that I am much like my marine.  You see, people attract others who are as healthy as them.  Have you ever wondered, why is she with him? Why does he like her?  and we find, sometimes that one of 'them' tells these crazy outrageous stories about their partner.  We wonder, why does she put up with him? He is crazy?  Right? Have you ever asked yourself that question?.  The answer is found in this simple saying.  People attract others that are like them and people attract others who are as healthy as them. 

Simply put, those people who have an imbalance and need someone to take care of ( enablers/co-dependents) find someone to fill that need ( addicts and assholes).  In those cases, we think "opposites attract", but the truth is, they are the same.  They are both imbalanced. I have had my share of imbalanced relationships and I have worked hard the past 4 years to improve my emotional state, financial state, self- confidence, etc. etc.  

I was attracted to my marine because I didnt want to commit. I feared it.  Being with someone who is always gone and non committal satisfied my need.  I knew, deep down that persuing a non committal marine was safe.  He would not commit before I did and so, I would emerge the hero.  He would be the bad guy. 

Now, I am opening myself up for a healthy relationship.  Boy is it tough.  I have tried and now I have returned to eharmony.  I am selective and anticipate the person I am with will be selective as well.  For me, my time is valuable so I dont want to spend it on someone who doesnt fit what I need.  A good strong relationship is something to grow into over time, so I need someone who will put in the time.

There I was, on the couch, talking to my therapist.  Today we talked about my excessive sugar eating and my bindges.  She then said that sometimes we look for comfort in food, for what we lack in our personal lives, be it love, affection, companionship.   I thought for a moment and suddenly I cried.  I told her, I don't know why I am crying, I suppose this needs to come out. 

Then, I shared a bit about my marine and what it was about him that I was attracted to.  I said " You know, I dated a man the other day and found him pleasant, however, there is nothing about him that draws me to him.  There is nothing about him that makes me think " I want that!".  I think it is important for me to have my partner ( my person) be someone who I admire.  I dont want someone I need to help.  I have had that before and I dont want it.  I want someone that I can see traits and behaviors in them and say, "I like that, I admire it, I want to be like that, someone who I can learn from"." 

My marine is a great communicator ( when he is with me... when he is away, he doesn't communicate).  He tells stories and speaks truth, from his heart.  He talks about his feelings and thoughts.  He is organized.  He always polished.  His grooming, nails, hair, etc. is impeccable.  He takes great care of his belongings.  His car is always clean.  His room is always tidy.   When he visits, he knows exactly where everything is.  He hangs his towel to dry after he uses it.  He doesnt leave it on the floor and he doesnt make a mess.  He washes his own plate.  He helps me cook and he is almost always polite and courteous.  He has never called me a rude name or said anything negative about me. He sits up straight and stands proud.   I love these things about him.  Being around him has helped me to be more organized and tidy.  I have learned to communicate better, to talk about my feelings and explain clearly.   I hope that my next person helps me grow as well.  I want to grow in closeness and learn how to have proper disagreements and when to stand down.  I want to learn how to deal positively with family members and to rely on someone, my person.

This marine, doesnt look like he is the one to do that.  He is always running off to some faraway place to work and he vacilates between closeness and isolation.  I'll keep trying.  At least now, I have a good foundation of what to look for, that 'something'.

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