Thursday, March 7, 2013

What Happens Next?

I received a little backlash from my friends after sharing with them the new news about my marine.  He is being appointed to a high ranking military role abroad.  It will be great for his career and as a result he will be living in the country that he works.  So what am I thinking of  now you ask?
Yes, I would be lying if I said my dreams didn’t float towards the ifs and what could be.  What if he proposes and asks me to go with him.  Will I be happy there, in a foreign country, away from family and friends?  How will I live there? I would be completely vulnerable to him because I don’t know the language and I don’t have MY home and MY job and MY friends and MY family there.  What if he is a real jerk and is mean to me?  What if I get dysentery from the food.  What if I get into trouble and knock over other people’s motorcycles while I’m there?
Silly huh?  Well, my mind wanders and explores… it is just what the mind does… always thinking.  My friends say “ Uck, what does he want now? I don’t believe you talk to him still, move on!” etc.    Others don’t see that he was in my life so they are indifferent. 
This week I have not heard from him.  Not uncommon right?   Well, for you military folks who think you are the only ones to go weeks and months without communicating, you are wrong.  I know plenty of people who I contact or who contact me every few months.  We remain friends for years, but life is just so busy we don’t make time for each other but once every few months.  
I also know a retired Navy Seal captain.  He lives closely but is always in between one city or another.  Although he is retired, he consults with the military and is in San Diego a lot of the time, or overseas somewhere doing God Only Knows What.  Momentarily I attempted to date this man too, but I see that he is not ready for me.  He is always running here or there and can rarely commit to spending time together.  His plans are always changing. 
My girlfriends also share with me that they have ‘friends’ who are successful in careers, but rarely have time for personal time with them.  They might land a dinner date a couple times a year.   I think that is just how life goes.  Life is so busy, especially for accomplished people.  Now I know that when I enjoy something (or love it) I make the time for it.  I imagine it is the same way in relationship with people. When they love it, and enjoy it, they make time.
All this to say, I contend with the fact that my marine was in a state of transition.  When I met him, he was readying for deployment, selling his possessions and trying to get his foundation set after having non-beneficial relationships.  Then he tried to transition out.  It is important for him to be established before he brings someone in.  He is still in this state of flux and hopefully this new assignment will get him to the space he wants to be in life.   I am very happy for him.  I am glad when my friends do well. 
This past week, I dedicated a yoga class to the concept of “Will”, having been inspired by my marine.  The lesson was that we have a “Will” and what is to say we are living within the “Divine will for our lives? - how do we know when this is true?”  I shared with my students that while I was with my marine I was discouraged and frustrated when everything in life failed in keeping both of us in a regular life together.  For example, when he returned from deployment, he got frustrated with our civilian hiring processes, so he left the country momentarily.  Then, I worked to get him interviews and it didn’t work out for him.  How frustrating.  Little did I realize, at the time, that was not the Divine will for his life.  Life intended for him to accept that lucrative position on a campaign that would lead to this stellar opportunity.  Who could have known this at the time?  Now, upon reflection, I am so glad he didn’t continue is that boring job at a retail chain store.  He would have been bored out of his mind.  Now, he is able to work to his strengths in security and operations leadership.  Now, he will have a lot of prestige, authority, and yes a lot of money.   Who would have guessed?  So, as I told my class we may not know what the Will is for us, but in each moment, wherever we are we need to live our will in ourselves and do everything with heart.  We flowed to Asian music indigenous to the area where my marine will be working.  The students loved the music and loved the class. 
As for me?  You ask, what am I going to do?  Well, it seems I will be doing what I have always done (minus the internal whining to myself and this blog audience).   I will live every day, every moment in the best light.  I will continue to be me.  No, my life isn’t on hold, it is constantly progressing.
Am I waiting for him?  I don’t know if that is the case. I might get to see him before he leaves permanently and I might not.  You never know sometimes how things can turn out.  The first step is he would have to call and come see me.  Then he would have to talk about and ask me if I see a future with him and we would go from there.  Absent any of that, he is just a friend who comes to visit.  Nothing more.


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