Navy Seals are tougher than Marines

I must admit, I was wrong in assessing that John, the former seal was going to be an easier man to deal with relationally.  John, the seal (yes, John the flake) is good with his finances, seemed grounded (he talks about his daughter, family and long time friends who live in the area.  He seemed to have a great social life with friends doing fun activities outdoors like camping, fishing, star gazing, kayaking, etc. . . .  Compared to the marine who drinks alcohol almost daily, eats and has a few close friends.  He is not outdoorsy, although he does ride a motorcycle ( riddled with decals of scantily clad women).   He is horrible with money!!! He spends it easily and does not have savings. 

When I first met John, I shared with him that I like to have a lot of connection to my partner.  I like frequent communications, be it texts or phone calls and I like to see my partner often.   I shared with him that what kills me is that my marine is rarely home and he is often out of communication; whether by choice or design.

Of course, initially John promised to always communicate with me and see or talk often.  That was before we had sex.  Now that he has ‘ locked me in’ with that activity, I rarely see him.  Rarely for me is that I have probably seen him 3 times this year.  

The other day I called him to say hello.  ( PS: Don’t get me wrong. I don’t wait by the phone for anyone.  I go out, I date others and I have a busy life).  I know that he often stays up late, since he can’t sleep.  He said he is always on guard.   I called him  at about 1130 pm.  His response to my call was a text “I’m sleeping, what’s up?”  I responded “Can’t sleep, just wanted to talk”.  His texts back, “Are you insecure about something?”   Taken back by his comment I responded “ Only insecure people are up at 22:30?” to which he texts “ Ill call you later in the week”.  

Im not understanding where  this seal gets the idea that I am “ insecure” because I reach out to him to say hello.  Then, when I don’t reach out – he says I am ignoring him, or I don’t seem to care.  WTF?

Weird!!!

This past week I came across a survey that USC is performing for families and loved ones of former military folks.  There is a big push on teaching us how to deal with them and their issues upon returning from deployment or service.   Check out the site on: http://cir.usc.edu/the-los-angeles-veteran-survey if you want to learn more.

I don’t know that I would join a survey like this.  I suppose if either my marine or the seal would show me they have a genuine interest in having a relationship with me, I would.  However, as it stands now, they are both distant so I won’t pursue learning more about them (until they pursue learning more about me).  Either way, perhaps some of your readers would find the survey and resources helpful.

Ta Ta

Things That Offend Military Men

I have a friend who is dubbed John the Flake.  ( Real names are changed to protect the innocent- jejejeje).  John is known in my circle of friends as " John the Flake".  About a year back, during a time when my marine went into isolation, I befriended and dated John.  John is a retired Navy Seal Captain.  John had suffered a life threatening blow to his tummy which resulted in his forced resignation from service. 

With John, I decided to take our relationship at a slower, more certain pace. ( Compared to jumping into bed with my marine on our first day and thinking I was his girlfriend).  No, John was different.  He had similar qualities as my marine.  He is a hottie, sexy, good communicator.  However, different from my marine, John was good with his finances.  He was ready for a relationship ( so he said).  So, I decided to tell John I wouldnt sleep with him unless he was my boyfriend.  Following that comment, he agreed to be my boyfriend.  Then he flaked on me for new years by cancelling on the last minute and breaking up with me over texting.  Strange!!!!!   What is up with these Military Men!!!!

Therafter, I maintain a friendship with John.  He cancels quite a bit.  It had gotten to the point that I called him on it.  He pulls away when I challenge him.   He says the following things offend military men.  So I thought to add them here, lest any of you readers attempt to date one of these guys and not want to hurt their feelings.
"Dude"   -  Although in California, Orange County area we call guys by this name, military men find it offensive.  IDK.
" I Miss you" -- This is too clingy and needy.
"Ignore them" -- They feel dejected and disregarded  ( So how do you reconcile telling them you care and miss them being found too needy versus ignoring their texts for a day or so and being told you are self-centered and ignore them? IDK.
" Go fetch my purse from the house" - apparently you shouldn't order a staff sargeant around.  ( jejejeje)
" Surprise" -- No surprise birthday parties.  I have a friend who dated a marine with PTSD and she arranged for family and friends to jump out from behind the furniture and yell ' surprise! happy birthday!'  Her marine freeked out!!!!   I can understand why, but she was taken back by the experience.
" Old dog poo in the yard"  Yes, my marine is sensistive to smells so I have to clean up my dogs mess and perfume the yard before he comes over. ( Geeesh!)
" Nazi Personal Trainer".  Yes, I called my personal trainer an exercise Nazi and John flipped.  He said to never reference words like that around military men because of all the situations they have had to resolve worldwide as a result of tyrrany.

I honestly think this friend John is even more work to deal with than my marine.  John cancels so much, I dont take him serious anymore.  Then when I cancel on him, he gets butt hurt.

The worst part is that when I address Johns behavioral issues and tell him how they affect me.  He typically responds.  " Its a military thing".  Im tired of that lame excuse.  Last time he flaked I told him "dont hide behind military excuses. I am not military and he needs to consider the rules in my world if he wants to play in it".  ( He appologized and made up. jejejeje! Gotcha!)



Strange.  Strange military men. Why do I put up with them?    Well, I like to learn and I enjoy the challenge.  I figure, If I can handle one of these 'tough' men, then I can handle anyone. =)

Only In My Dreams Marine

Last night I dreampt a beautiful dream.

I dreampt I was at home awaiting to attend to a gathering, a barbeque of some sorts.  At the same time, I was called to attend to some work.  I dont recall exactly what the work was, however, I do recall that one of my guests was my marine. 
I heard a loud sound in the front yard.  The sound was that of a loud motorcycle.  I rushed to the window to catch a glimpse of my marine pulling into the yard on his motorcycle.  I rushed out of the doorway to greet him and to ask him to keep the throttle noise down so as not to offend my guests.  At the gathering were some family member, friends and my parents.  My dad was there and he glanced at the noice in the front yard and his bushy eyebrows frowned. 

I invited my marine into the yard and he was accompanied by a few friends.  I sat them at the table, then attended to my work.  I tried to rush through work so that I could spend time mingling with my family, friends and yes! my marine.  Unfortunately, by the time I finished work, my marine and his friends had finished their 6 pack of beer and eating.  They left.  I ran out to see him off and viewed his motorcycle riding off into the hills.  I thought for a moment, Im glad my family received him.  My mom likes him.  Then I thought, too bad I didnt have more beer so they could stay-- but then again, they can bring their own beer and enjoy coming out to see me and enjoying my company.

Then my eyes turned to the ceiling.  I lived in a large tent and an evil being had placed a cord with a hook into my ceiling.  The arrow at the end of the cord missed me and I grabbed it and pushed it back through the hole in my ceiling.  I looked out the window and thought, boy I wish my marine had stayed to protect me from the evil being who is trying to kill me through my roof.   My marine had left and I couldnt locate him by phone.  I thought, I was not worried.  If a being wants to kill me and overpowers me, so be it.  Why fight it, all I can do is do my best and if I die, oh well.

I then rested in the moment of bliss having enjoyed having my marine and his friends intermingle with my parents, family and friends.  I was happy.  Then I awoke.

Need I mention that my dad has been dead for years.  Its nice that I am reminded of him in my dreams.

Pleasant Dreams.

Something About That Marine

The other day, while in my therapy session, I began to share about my marine.  I have been working with a therapist for 3 visits now.  She is helping me release the "block" and "fear of closeness" that I have that hinders me from having a great relationship.  This fear of pain or pain avoidance that I hold deep inside of my emotions is to blame for my longing for my marine and for 'that thing' that draws me to him... yes, even though he pulls away.

What I have learned over time, in all that I read and all that I explore about myself, that I am much like my marine.  You see, people attract others who are as healthy as them.  Have you ever wondered, why is she with him? Why does he like her?  and we find, sometimes that one of 'them' tells these crazy outrageous stories about their partner.  We wonder, why does she put up with him? He is crazy?  Right? Have you ever asked yourself that question?.  The answer is found in this simple saying.  People attract others that are like them and people attract others who are as healthy as them. 

Simply put, those people who have an imbalance and need someone to take care of ( enablers/co-dependents) find someone to fill that need ( addicts and assholes).  In those cases, we think "opposites attract", but the truth is, they are the same.  They are both imbalanced. I have had my share of imbalanced relationships and I have worked hard the past 4 years to improve my emotional state, financial state, self- confidence, etc. etc.  

I was attracted to my marine because I didnt want to commit. I feared it.  Being with someone who is always gone and non committal satisfied my need.  I knew, deep down that persuing a non committal marine was safe.  He would not commit before I did and so, I would emerge the hero.  He would be the bad guy. 

Now, I am opening myself up for a healthy relationship.  Boy is it tough.  I have tried match.com and now I have returned to eharmony.  I am selective and anticipate the person I am with will be selective as well.  For me, my time is valuable so I dont want to spend it on someone who doesnt fit what I need.  A good strong relationship is something to grow into over time, so I need someone who will put in the time.

There I was, on the couch, talking to my therapist.  Today we talked about my excessive sugar eating and my bindges.  She then said that sometimes we look for comfort in food, for what we lack in our personal lives, be it love, affection, companionship.   I thought for a moment and suddenly I cried.  I told her, I don't know why I am crying, I suppose this needs to come out. 

Then, I shared a bit about my marine and what it was about him that I was attracted to.  I said " You know, I dated a man the other day and found him pleasant, however, there is nothing about him that draws me to him.  There is nothing about him that makes me think " I want that!".  I think it is important for me to have my partner ( my person) be someone who I admire.  I dont want someone I need to help.  I have had that before and I dont want it.  I want someone that I can see traits and behaviors in them and say, "I like that, I admire it, I want to be like that, someone who I can learn from"." 

My marine is a great communicator ( when he is with me... when he is away, he doesn't communicate).  He tells stories and speaks truth, from his heart.  He talks about his feelings and thoughts.  He is organized.  He always polished.  His grooming, nails, hair, etc. is impeccable.  He takes great care of his belongings.  His car is always clean.  His room is always tidy.   When he visits, he knows exactly where everything is.  He hangs his towel to dry after he uses it.  He doesnt leave it on the floor and he doesnt make a mess.  He washes his own plate.  He helps me cook and he is almost always polite and courteous.  He has never called me a rude name or said anything negative about me. He sits up straight and stands proud.   I love these things about him.  Being around him has helped me to be more organized and tidy.  I have learned to communicate better, to talk about my feelings and explain clearly.   I hope that my next person helps me grow as well.  I want to grow in closeness and learn how to have proper disagreements and when to stand down.  I want to learn how to deal positively with family members and to rely on someone, my person.

This marine, doesnt look like he is the one to do that.  He is always running off to some faraway place to work and he vacilates between closeness and isolation.  I'll keep trying.  At least now, I have a good foundation of what to look for, that 'something'.

LISTS

Today my girlfriend recommends to me to make a list.  I have made lists and plans before, for work, career, and life goals.  I had gone so far as to see a life coach.  He also recommended that I create a list.  He recommended for me to envision the life I want, complete, then to create a plan for me, to help complete the  items on the list and create the life I want, inclusive of a boyfriend.

I always make a life plan for year after year acheivements.  However, each time, when I get to the part of adding my boyfriend, I get stuck.  I think, this is silly.  I toggle between the idea of writing this boyfriend into my plan.  I am not certain whether if I create this ideal man, whether he would exist.  Worst, ihe exists, would he want me?
Most of the time, I dont include this ficticious boyfriend in my final plans.   Part of the reason I do this is because I know I can control me, and what I do; I cannot control someone else.
And so, here I am.  My marine, though out of the service, continues to engulf himself in work, so as to avoid a committed relationship.  I am, four yearsolder and wiser.  I started dating and find that dating as an adult is very different from dating as a your woman.
After attending to a few coffee dates and finding that the men wanted to kiss me and grope me too soon.  I am at a point that I am discouraged.  I dont want to date.  Although, at the same time, I dont want to close myself off.  I cant wait any longer for this marine to ground himself.  So, I date.  I continue  to date and offer my energy to the universe.  I put myself out there.
At the same time, I continue to enjoy the life I created.  A home, family, close friends, financial secureness, retirement planning.  I travel, I teach, I live.  I think, just for fun, I will create my list.
This future man, who will come to me, will be handsome, fit, take great care of himself, not give in to excessive drink or food.  He  will enjoy the outdoors and love to travel. He will want to spend time with friends, barbequing at home, sight seeing, or just sitting in the park or riing at the beach, holding my hand, spending time with me.  He will respect my faith and attend church with me from time to time.  He will be encouraging and listen to my day, listen to my heart, and he will enjoy spending time doing things with me.  He will beaccomplished.  He will have aheart for  service to others.  He will be patient with me. He will be ready for relationship, welcoming to come into my wonderful world and I will come into his.

That is my list. I am sticking to it.

Jn 

Uncertainty - When Will I See You Again?

One of the most challenging things to contend with when dating someone in the military is uncertainty.
In the time I devoted myself to my marine, there were plenty of foiled plans, spoiled dates, and unsatisfied anticipations of his arrival.   Most recently, my marine has taken a position as a site manager.  He contacted me before Easter holiday to tell me he might come home for the weekend and that he wanted to see me.  By this time, I had moved on and didn't give much thought to whether he would actually come.  That weekend I kept the plans I had in place to visit with friends and I wasnt at all surprised when he said he ended up working through the weekend.

I remembered some time back, when I had first engaged with assisting a support group for military spouses and veterans.  The group leader had dispelled stories of his experience of hardships with his 3 marriages while he served.  He shared with the group that it got to a point that his spouse was indifferent when he returned from duty.  The warm hugs and kissed that first welcomed him early on in the relationship, turned to a cold shoulder and a mumbled voice saying "Just leave your shoes on the porch".  One of the ladies in the group shared that during her husbands absence from the home, she became used to doing things independently.  As a result, when he returned and wanted to claim his position in the family and handle duties around the home, his requests would be met with her resistance to relinquish control of tasks she had always attended to.  This left her husband, the veteran, feeling useless.  So he soon would find another project or deployment to re-enlist so as to occupy his time and utilize his skills... to be useful.

At the time I heard these stories, years ago, I thought ' How insensitive, how could they?'  Now, having gone through the emotional roller coaster of excitement that  he's coming, only to find out that he is not, I too am indifferent and learned to live on my own and keep myself busy.   It makes no difference whether he comes and goes.   I suppose it is part of the territory.  He is doing what he loves, feeling useful  and benefiting the service.  He doesnt need much else, but the gratification he receives from fulfilling his duty.